This is one of the most painful realizations you can have in a marriage.
Not that your spouse doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved, or that they are going through a phase.
But that they’re fundamentally incapable of love, that something in them is broken or missing that makes real love impossible for them to give.
Meaning you’re married to someone who cannot love you the way a spouse should, no matter how hard you try or how much you love them.
And the tragedy is that you can spend years trying to earn love from someone who doesn’t have it to give.
Here’s what it looks like when you’re married to someone incapable of love:
10 Signs You’re Married to Someone Incapable of Love
1. There’s No Empathy
Empathy is feeling something when another person is hurting.
It’s seeing someone in pain and that pain registering in you emotionally, even if you don’t know them.
You don’t even need to know someone to show empathy.
Many of us show empathy daily on social media, to strangers, and to people we’ll never meet.
We see someone struggling and we feel for them.
That’s normal human emotion.
But your spouse?
When you’re hurt, sad, upset, or struggling, they don’t care.
Not that they’re bad at showing emotions, like they genuinely don’t feel anything about your pain.
You could be crying, and they’re scrolling through their phone or eating.
You could be dealing with a crisis, and they’re annoyed that it’s inconvenient for them.
They can’t put themselves in your shoes because they don’t have that capacity.
And that’s terrifying when you think about it.
Because empathy is the foundation of love.
Without it, there’s no real connection, just two people existing in proximity while one of them suffers and the other one feels nothing about it.
2. Everything Is Transactional
People incapable of love see relationships as transactions.
You give, they take.
And if you’re not providing something they want, there’s no reason for them to invest in you.
So they don’t do things out of love or care; they do things when there’s something in it for them.
For example, they might be nice when they want sex or helpful when they need something from you.
But genuine acts of love with no strings attached?
Never.
3. They’ve Never Apologized Sincerely
I’m not talking about the fake “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry, but…”
I mean a real apology where they take responsibility, show remorse, and change their behavior.
That’s never happened.
Genuine apology requires empathy, understanding that you hurt someone, and feeling bad about it.
And they don’t have that.
They might say words that sound like apologies to get you to stop talking about it, but there’s no real remorse behind them.
4. Your Relationship Has No Real Intimacy
Not just physical intimacy, but also emotional intimacy.
You don’t have deep conversations, so there is no way to connect on a meaningful level.
Intimacy requires opening up, being vulnerable, letting someone in, and people incapable of love can’t do that.
They don’t have an inner emotional world they’re willing or able to share.
You’re living with someone you don’t know.
And they have no interest in knowing you.
5. They’re Incapable of Celebrating You
When something good happens to you, they can’t be genuinely happy for you.
At best, they’re indifferent.
At worst, they’re resentful.
Because celebrating you requires caring about your happiness, and they don’t. Your joy doesn’t bring them joy because they’re not emotionally connected to you that way.
They might perform congratulations if other people are watching, but when it’s just the two of you, your wins mean nothing to them.
6. There’s a Coldness That Never Goes Away
Even in good moments, there’s something cold and detached about them.
You can sense that they’re not really there with you emotionally.
Whatever’s happening between you is not deep.
It’s like trying to warm yourself by a fire that looks real but gives off no heat.
The appearance is there, but the substance isn’t.
And that coldness, you feel it in your bones.
You know something fundamental is missing, even if you can’t quite name it.
7. They Use People, Including You
It’s not just you.
Everyone in their life serves a function.
You’re useful to them….maybe for money, appearances, taking care of things, or providing something they need.
But you’re not valued as a person.
You’re valued for what you do for them.
And the moment you stop being useful, they’ll discard you without hesitation.
People incapable of love don’t see others as full humans with worth.
They see them as tools to meet their needs.
8. Nothing You Do Is Ever Enough
You could bend over backward trying to make them happy, meet their needs, be a good spouse, and it’s never enough.
Not because you’re actually failing, nope.
They’re incapable of satisfaction or gratitude.
There’s a bottomless pit where love and appreciation should be, and nothing you pour into it will ever fill it.
So, the problem isn’t what you’re doing or not doing.
The problem is that they’re incapable of receiving love or recognizing it when it’s given.
9. They Lack Genuine Remorse
When they hurt you, and they will, they don’t feel bad about it.
They might be upset that you’re upset because it’s inconvenient for them.
But actual remorse for causing you pain?
That’s not there.
They can’t feel guilty for hurting you because they don’t have that emotional range.
Your pain doesn’t affect them the way it should.
10. You Feel Completely Alone
You’re married, living with someone, but you feel devastatingly alone.
Because you are alone.
You’re alone with someone who can’t connect with you on a human level.
It’s lonelier than being single because at least when you’re single, you’re not expecting connection from someone standing right in front of you who can’t give it.
Why Some People Can’t Love
Some people are incapable of love because of severe personality disorders, e.g, narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, and others.
Some experienced such severe trauma or neglect in childhood that the parts of them that develop empathy and connection never formed properly.
Some are just fundamentally wired differently in ways that prevent genuine emotional connection.
Whatever the reason, the outcome is the same: they can’t love you.
Not won’t – can’t.
And no amount of love from you will change that or teach them how.
If you’re married to someone incapable of love, it’s not your fault.
You didn’t cause this, and you can’t fix this.
You can’t love them hard enough to teach them how to love you back.
They’re not capable of loving anyone.
Not you, not their previous partners, not anyone.
You could be perfect, and it wouldn’t matter because the issue isn’t you.
What You Should Do
Accept the reality.
Stop making excuses and hoping they’ll change.
Stop waiting for them to suddenly develop the capacity for love.
It’s not going to happen.
Grieve.
You need to mourn the marriage you thought you had, the person you thought you married, the future you thought you were building.
Get support.
Therapy, trusted friends, family; you need people who understand what you’re dealing with.
Protect yourself. Emotionally, financially, in every way.
People incapable of love are often capable of harm.
Consider leaving.
I know it’s complicated – finances, kids, fear, hope, all of it.
But staying married to someone incapable of love is slowly destroying you.
You’re giving everything to someone who has nothing to give back.
You’re loving someone who can’t love you.