Married for a decade, I can tell you boldly that money problems aren’t always about not having enough money.
A couple can have more than enough money and still have a miserable marriage because of how they handle their finances.
And sometimes, a couple can be struggling financially but still have a beautiful relationship because they’re working together.
Money touches every aspect of marriage.
From the food you eat to where you live, how you raise your children, the lifestyle you enjoy, and even your retirement plans.
You can’t escape money conversations in marriage, and you can tell a marriage is falling apart just by how the couple handles money.
They may still live as husband and wife and post beautiful family pictures on social media, but financially, they’ve stopped acting like partners.
This isn’t about couples going through financial difficulties.
You’ll see what I mean as you read.
1. You’re hiding money from each other
If you know me well, you know I always hammer home the importance of women having their own money.
There is no world in which being completely financially dependent on another human being will ever be cute to me.
None!
Do you know how many women are stuck in toxic marriages and abusive situations because they don’t have the money to leave?
They’re not staying because they’re happy. They’re staying because they have no choice.
It’s even worse when children are involved.
You can’t just pack your bags and leave when you don’t know where your children’s next meal will come from.
So, as a woman, please, have your own money.
But here’s where I’m going with this.
Having your own money is not the same as hiding money from your spouse.
Especially when you’re married to a good person who has given you no reason to be financially secretive.
My husband and I don’t operate a joint account.
I have my own accounts, including savings and investment accounts, and he has his.
But he knows how I make money, and I know how he does.
In fact, he has access to my accounts.
Sometimes, I even excitedly tell him how much interest I’ve earned on a particular investment.
I’m also not saying every married couple must share passwords or disclose every single transaction.
You can be financially independent and still be financially transparent while working toward your financial goals together.
The problem is when you deliberately hide money from each other.
If you’re dealing with an abusive or financially controlling spouse, keeping money somewhere safe is necessary for your protection.
But in an otherwise healthy marriage, when you both start deliberately hiding financial information from each other, something is wrong.
Because the issue is no longer just money. It’s trust.
And when you can no longer trust the person you’re building a life with, your marriage is in more trouble than you realize.
2. You no longer have a future that you plan together
I’m Nigerian, and one thing I frequently hear about is married people secretly building houses and buying properties without their spouses knowing.
Sometimes, a man builds an entire mansion in his village, and his wife won’t know about it until something happens.
And women do it too.
Some wives have properties their husbands know absolutely nothing about.
You don’t have to put your spouse’s name on every property you buy.
That’s not even my point.
But how are you married to someone who’s completely absent from your future plans?
You are buying land, building houses, making major investments, and planning your retirement, and your spouse doesn’t even know it’s happening?
What exactly are you doing together then?
Everything has become my money, my house, my investments, my retirement plans.
And the fact that you might still be living together and attending family functions as husband and wife is even scarier because, financially, you’re already preparing to live separate lives.
3. Money has become a weapon
In a happy marriage, money is a tool. In an unhappy marriage, money is a weapon.
Money is supposed to make life easier for both of you, not become something one person uses to punish the other.
Unfortunately, when things aren’t fine, a husband who used to provide for his family might start withholding money out of anger at his wife.
The higher-earning wife begins to remind her husband, at every opportunity, that he’s nothing without her.
Every disagreement becomes an opportunity to bring up who pays the bills.
Look, the moment money becomes a tool for intimidation, humiliation, or revenge, your marriage is in serious trouble.
4. You no longer make major financial decisions together
Marriage will teach you that you can’t always do whatever you like, whenever you like, especially when your decisions affect another person.
Before marriage, you could wake up one morning and decide to spend half your savings on a car.
It’s your money; do you.
You can’t try that in marriage because your decisions now affect someone else.
Imagine your husband coming home one evening to announce he’s resigned from his job to start a business with no prior discussion or financial plan.
And when you express your concerns, the response is, “It’s my money. I don’t need your permission.”
Excuse me?
If you or your spouse is making major financial decisions without caring what it does to your family, there is fire on the mountain.
5. Every conversation about money ends in a fight
Even the happiest couples disagree about money.
You can’t marry someone from a different background and different experiences and expect to agree on everything.
But there’s a difference between having financial disagreements and being unable to discuss money without fighting.
In some marriages, even the simplest financial conversation becomes a battlefield.
“How much did we spend on groceries this month?”
“Are you saying I don’t know how to manage money?”
“Babe, I think we need to reduce our expenses.”
“So now I’m the reason we’re broke?”
Like, you literally can’t ask a question without someone becoming defensive.
And eventually, you both stop talking about money because nobody wants another fight.
But then, avoiding financial conversations doesn’t make financial problems disappear.
A marriage where two people can no longer have honest conversations about their finances needs serious attention.
Because money is part of everyday life, if you can’t discuss something that affects your lives daily, how can you build anything together?
6. One person is carrying all the financial responsibilities and becoming resentful
We live in a world where people have different expectations about who should provide financially in marriage.
Some couples believe the husband should handle all the bills.
Others prefer both spouses to contribute.
Some couples arrange it so one person earns the money while the other handles most of the childcare and household responsibilities.
I don’t believe every marriage has to work the same way.
What matters is that the arrangement works for both people, but trouble starts when one person is doing it all.
Imagine being married to someone who can contribute but has decided every responsibility is your problem.
I’m not talking about someone who is unemployed, sick, or temporarily unable to contribute.
Life happens.
Sometimes, one spouse will have to carry more of the financial burden, and that’s part of being married.
I’m talking about someone who has completely abandoned their responsibilities and doesn’t care how much pressure they’re putting on their partner.
Eventually, the spouse carrying everything becomes exhausted, and that’s how resentment enters the marriage.
You start looking at your husband or wife and wondering why you’re even married when you feel like you’re doing everything alone.
So it’s not necessarily a lack of money that destroys the marriage, but a lack of consideration.
Money is not the most important thing in marriage. Well, that’s my opinion anyway.
But I also don’t believe we should underestimate how much it affects a relationship.
Love is beautiful, but you can’t pay school fees with kisses. 😂
How couples handle money reveals a lot about their marriage.
A marriage can survive financial difficulties.
What it struggles to survive is two people who have stopped trusting and caring about each other.
Money isn’talways what destroys a marriage. It’s what money reveals about the people in it.