I don’t think any woman on this planet wants her husband to love her only as the mother of his children, not as his wife.
Yet so many women are living it.
Children are a blessing. I thank God for mine every single day, and I wouldn’t trade motherhood for anything.
But children were never meant to replace the marriage. They were meant to grow out of it.
If you’ve been feeling more like a mother than a wife in your own marriage lately, these signs will explain why.
1. Every conversation is about the house, the children, or money
One thing I don’t take for granted in my marriage is that my husband and I can talk about anything under the sun.
We can go from money to politics, from marriage to what’s happening around the world, from faith to death, all in one sitting. And neither of us is checking the time.
That’s what conversation between a husband and wife should be like.
Two people who are curious about each other’s minds.
Now think about the last five conversations you had with your husband.
Was any of them about you? Or him? Or the two of you?
Or were they all about school fees, who’s picking up the children, the light bill, and whether the gas has finished?
When a man starts loving you as a mother, you become his co-manager.
He talks to you the way he’d talk to a very capable colleague.
Efficient and respectful, but without romance.
He no longer tells you what’s worrying him at work or what he’s dreaming about.
He doesn’t ask what you’re dreaming about either.
He just wants to know if the uniforms have been washed.
And because there’s always something to discuss, you don’t notice it at first.
The house is busy, so the talking feels like closeness.
It isn’t.
You can talk to someone all day about the children and still feel lonely sitting next to him.
If every conversation in your home sounds like a staff meeting, you’re managing the marriage, not living it.
2. He only compliments you as a mother
I know I’m a good mom, even if I do say so myself.
My husband sees how much effort I put into motherhood, and he says so. Even my friends can see it.
And I appreciate that. I really do.
Nothing beats having the person you’re building a family with notice the endless sacrifices nobody else sees.
But I don’t just want compliments for being a good mom.
I want to be complimented as a woman.
Tell me I’m beautiful. Tell me I’m smart. Tell me I’m sexy. Tell me you love my body, the one that carried your children and still turns your head.
Thankfully, my husband does that. 😘
Many women are married to men who only praise them for what they do for the family.
“The children are lucky to have you.”
“I don’t know how you manage everything.”
It’s lovely to hear. But listen closely, and you’ll notice every compliment is about her usefulness, not about her.
A man can love you as the mother of his children and still not desire you as his wife.
And when the only praise you get at home is about the children, you start to believe that’s all you are.
You become valued in your own house but invisible in your own marriage.
3. He hugs you like a relative
There are different types of hugs.
There’s the hug you give a friend at church on Sunday.
And then there’s the kind of hug that, if you gave it to that same friend, people would look at you both like, “Are you guys okay?”
We all know the difference, even if nobody ever taught it to us.
Marriage offers the highest level of intimacy two people can share. There’s nothing to hide and no line to watch.
So there’s a way I hug my husband that I can’t hug another man, or even another woman.
And there’s a way I expect my husband to hug me.
When you hug me, I expect you to pull me in.
Grab my waist, kiss me on the lips, and hold on a second longer than necessary, like you’re glad I’m here.
Even when we’re not in the mood for anything romantic, and the hug has no sexual undertone, it still feels different from other hugs.
It says, “You’re mine, and I’m yours,” without a single word.
A relative’s hug says something else.
It’s the quick side hug, the pat on the back, or the forehead kiss as he heads out the door, the kind you’d get from your uncle at a family wedding.
It’s warm, and it’s kind, but it’s polite.
And a husband shouldn’t be polite with your body.
When your husband starts hugging you like a relative, giving you social distance, or holy distance, something is wrong, and you shouldn’t ignore it.
Next time he gives you that side hug, turn into him, pull him close, and hold on.
His response will tell you a lot.
4. He’s become one of the children
This is the height of it.
It’s gotten so bad that even your husband has become one of the children.
He can’t do without you. He needs you for everything.
“Babe, where’s my shirt?”
“Have you seen my car key?”
“Did you pack my lunch?”
You remind him, and you clean up after him. Sometimes you even give him permission.
It feels like love to be needed this much.
But being needed and being desired are two very different things.
A man depends on his mother. He doesn’t desire her.
How is a man expected to desire his mom?
He can’t. The more you mother him, the less he sees the woman in front of him.
You’re not helping him.
Marriage needs two adults in it.
If you’ve become his mother, start handing things back.
Let him find his own shirt and his car keys.
It might be uncomfortable at first, for both of you.
But you’re making room for him to see you as his wife again, not as the woman who keeps him alive.
5. Everything is planned around the children, and nothing around the two of you
Some weeks ago, my husband and I went to an ice cream shop without the kids.
We’ve been there with them before. But this time, we said no. This one is just for us.
It was only ice cream. But it was ice cream for the two of us, and that’s the point.
If you’re not intentional as a couple, you’ll wake up one day and find you have nothing outside the kids.
Behind every thriving marriage you see today is an intentional couple. They didn’t just stumble into closeness. They made room for it, on purpose, over and over again.
And children take up every inch of room you give them.
It’s not their fault, and it’s not even a bad thing.
You’re trying to be good parents.
You want them to have the holidays and the outings.
But if you’re not careful, your marriage becomes all about your children.
The children will grow up and have their own lives. That’s the whole reason we’re raising them well.
And when they leave, it’ll just be you and your spouse sitting at that dining table.
That’s when you’ll find out whether you’ve had a marriage or you’ve only been parents together.
You don’t need a big budget to be intentional. You need a decision.
So, when was the last time your husband looked at you like his wife?
I hope it was today.