It is normal to assume that once you have a good partner who is doing all or most of what they are supposed to do, you should be automatically fulfilled in marriage.
When that’s not the reality, it is expected to feel lost.
You may begin to wonder if something is wrong with you.
Why should you still feel lonely when your spouse is great, and your marriage is ideally happy?
As ironic as this feeling can be, it is actually very common.
Read on for more understanding.
Why Some Spouses Feel Lonely Even In A Happy Marriage – 7 Reasons
1. Unmet Emotional Needs
When my ex and I were still together, we had many issues that I couldn’t understand.
In my opinion, I was doing all the things a good girlfriend should do, so I was at a loss as to why he was still unhappy.
He just seemed so dissatisfied despite all I was doing, which left me frustrated.
It wasn’t until we broke up and I came across Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages that I understood our problem.
He was very big on quality time, while I was more into gifting and words of affirmation.
Therefore, while I was giving him what I thought he needed, his emotional needs weren’t met, so he was not satisfied.
At that time, I remembered how he constantly complained about how little time we spent together.
I thought he was being unreasonable, considering I felt like we were spending a good amount of time together.
It wasn’t enough for him, though, because that was what he needed to fill his love tank.
And if I knew then what I know now, I would have accommodated more for his needs.
Unfortunately, I was clueless, but I think it’s clear where I’m going with this.
Like my ex and me, one of you in your relationship might be dissatisfied because their emotional needs aren’t being met.
This doesn’t mean your spouse is wicked and deliberately starving you; like me, they might be completely ignorant.
But it doesn’t change the fact that your emotional needs aren’t being met.
For instance, you may crave deeper conversations or more affection, and your spouse may think that helping you take care of things is the best way to show that they care for you.
If these needs remain unfulfilled, you will soon start feeling disconnected, even though your partner isn’t doing anything particularly wrong.
In such an instance, the best thing would be to communicate.
I would advise you to appreciate them for what they are doing right and then say what you would appreciate if they do more.
2. Major Life Changes
Marriages experience different life changes – for good and bad.
For instance, having a baby, moving to a new city, switching careers, or losing a loved one or job are significant life changes that can shake up a marriage, and these changes affect different marriages differently.
While it may bring some closer, it can cause a drift in some because of the uniqueness of the individuals and the circumstances involved.
The fact that what used to be normal now feels unfamiliar can put you and your spouse on different pages.
It’s not easy to adjust to new responsibilities or a loss.
These can all take a toll on you and create an emotional distance between you and your partner.
In this case, you can check in with each other and communicate honestly as you both navigate these changes.
Open up about your struggles instead of assuming your spouse understands what you’re going through.
3. Personal Stress
Sometimes, loneliness in marriage has nothing to do with your spouse and more to do with your personal stress.
Although two have become one in marriage, we all still need to deal with our individual lives.
For instance, your partner can’t go through your work pressure for you.
Yes, they should be there for you, but you will still need to go through it yourself.
So, some of these personal realities can make you lose touch with how happy your home is.
It could be financial struggles, a boss who hates you, or even just feeling stuck in life when you feel you are not making much progress.
These issues can make you withdraw into a shell, even when your partner is willing to offer support.
The best way to handle this is to let your spouse in and let them join you to carry the load instead of carrying it all alone.
4. Past Trauma
Another reason why spouses might feel lonely in a happy marriage is past trauma from childhood or past relationships.
If you had a difficult childhood, experienced some sad things in your life, or had a bad ex, the hurt from that could spill into your marriage even if your spouse is doing their best.
Joyce Meyer, a popular American preacher, often speaks about how angry she was in the early years of her marriage because of the abuse she experienced as a child.
Her husband was a good man who cared for her, but she couldn’t bring herself to enjoy that love because she hadn’t healed.
No matter how happy your spouse is trying to make you, if you have trauma that isn’t acknowledged or healed, you’d relate to your partner based on that.
For instance, you might misinterpret their actions or unintentionally punish them for what someone else did.
Healing takes time, but you must also be ready to acknowledge the hurt and seek help through therapy or counseling.
5. Unrealistic Expectations
I blame fairy tales and romantic movies for this.
They make many people —women especially—believe that marriage is a bed of roses.
Unfortunately, real life doesn’t work that way, and many people are disappointed when they get married and find that their marriage isn’t what they expected.
If you expect your spouse to fulfill all your emotional, social, and personal needs, you’ll likely fall into this category.
When you find out that they can’t, you may feel lonely in a home you should be grateful for.
The thing is that no one person can be everything to you 24/7.
Instead of expecting your partner to complete you, you need to focus on building yourself up so that you are whole inside. Then, you can create a wholesome marriage.
6. Over-Dependency
It’s natural to rely on your spouse for love and support, but when your entire emotional well-being depends on them, it can result in loneliness because they can’t fulfill that role.
As I said earlier, nobody can complete you and give you essence – not even your spouse.
So, you need to create a healthy balance of acknowledging their presence in your life while having a life outside them.
Have personal hobbies, friendships, or a sense of self outside the marriage so you don’t feel lost when your spouse is busy or can’t be what you need at a particular moment because they are going through their own issues.
7. Poor Sex Life
Believe it or not, sex does affect marriages because, in a marriage, sex means more than just the physical act.
Sex in marriage is often coupled with being desired by and connected to your spouse.
So, when it’s missing or poor, it can make one party unhappy and lonely.
They may feel unsatisfied because they are not enjoying sex and are sad because they feel unwanted by their spouse.
It is a thrilling and emotionally satisfying thing to know your spouse desires you and wants to ravish you.
That is why not having that often makes people lonely, even when they have an otherwise good spouse.
It is fixable, though, as long as both of you are willing to talk, be more selfless in bed, and watch out for each other.