Choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you will ever make.
Yes, love is good, but it’s not always blind.
I enjoy watching Love is Blind, lol, but you also have to be honest with yourself and be sure you are making the right choice.
Follow your heart, but don’t leave your head behind!
And one of the ways to not leave your head behind is by asking yourself some critical questions before walking down the aisle to ensure that you and your partner are on the same page.
Here are ten questions that you need to answer honestly before saying, ‘I do.’
Don’t Marry Someone Until You Can Honestly Answer These 8 Questions
1. Are our life goals compatible?
You need to consider if your life goals align.
Life goals aren’t always about career aspirations or financial objectives.
They can also encompass things like whether you want kids, where you want to live, or what kind of lifestyle you hope to lead.
For instance, if one of you dreams of a quiet suburban life while the other yearns for an adventurous, travel-filled existence, these are important discrepancies to reconcile before marriage.
Don’t think you’ll figure it out once you tie the knot.
You won’t.
People rarely change their fundamental goals and ambitions, so it’s important to make sure you’re on the same page.
If your end goals are too different, your marriage might be ending even before it starts.
2. Can I accept their flaws?
Everyone, absolutely everyone on this planet, has flaws.
Nobody’s perfect, and that’s just the way it is.
Flaws can be anything like a quick temper, a tendency to be forgetful, a habit of being late, or perhaps a bit of selfishness or laziness.
So, when you’re thinking about marrying someone, you have to take a really good look at their flaws.
You need to understand that these flaws, these imperfections, are part of who they are.
Ask yourself, “Can I live with these flaws for the rest of my life without it making me unhappy or resentful?”
Can you live with that, day in and day out?
It’s also about whether or not these flaws are deal-breakers for you.
For example, some people might be okay with a partner who’s a bit messy but not with a partner who’s constantly dishonest or unfaithful.
This doesn’t mean you should expect to change their flaws.
Going into a marriage thinking you can change your partner is not a good idea.
People can change, yes, but they have to want to change.
You can’t force them to.
So, when you’re asking yourself if you can accept their flaws, you’re really asking yourself if you can love them as they are, not as you’d like them to be.
3: Are we financially compatible?
Money is one of the biggest causes of disagreements in marriages, so you have to ask yourself if you are financially compatible.
And when I say ‘financially compatible,’ it doesn’t necessarily mean you both have the same amount of money.
It’s so much more than that.
It’s about how you handle money, your attitudes toward spending and saving, and your financial goals.
Here are some things to consider about financial compatibility:
1. Spending Habits: Does one of you like to splurge on luxuries while the other prefers to save every penny?
This could lead to frequent disagreements.
You don’t have to have identical spending habits, but it’s important to find a balance and respect each other’s choices.
2. Financial Goals: Do you both want to buy a house someday?
Plan to retire early?
Have kids and save for their college?
If one of you dreams of a nomadic lifestyle while the other wants stability and roots, wahala ma wa o! (there’ll be problems).
3. Debt: This is a touchy subject, but it’s important.
Does one of you have significant debt?
Are you both okay with that?
Will it affect your future plans?
Debt can add a lot of stress to a relationship, so it’s crucial to have a plan on how to handle it.
4. Financial Transparency: Are you both open about your finances, or will you be?
Or both of you don’t care about what either makes?
5. Shared Expenses: How do you plan to handle shared costs?
Equally split?
Proportional to income?
It’s good to agree on this early on.
Just like with personal flaws, financial habits are hard to change.
Don’t enter a marriage expecting to reform a spendthrift into a saver or vice versa.
Make sure you can accept each other as you are, financially speaking.
4: How well do we communicate?
Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship.
It’s how we express our thoughts, feelings, love, needs, and concerns to our partner.
If communication breaks down, misunderstandings can occur, resentment will build, and feelings will be hurt,
Consider if you and your partner communicate effectively.
Can you talk about your feelings openly?
Can you discuss disagreements without it escalating into a full-blown fight?
Good communication helps in resolving conflicts and building a stronger bonds.
Because life throws many challenges our way, from financial stress to health issues, family dilemmas, and more.
So being able to navigate these difficulties together depends largely on your ability to communicate effectively.
The quality of your communication sets the tone for your marriage.
5: Do we share the same values?
Values form the bedrock of our lives.
They influence our decisions, actions, and how we perceive the world.
Examples can include views on fidelity, honesty, family roles, and more.
If your values align, it’s easier to navigate life together.
If they don’t, hmmm, I honestly don’t see how marriage will work.
6: Are we sexually compatible?
This topic will not be complete without discussing sex.
It’s a huge part of marriage, and it should be enjoyable for both partners.
Compatibility in this area isn’t just about physical attraction but also includes understanding how often each of you wants sex, what you both enjoy in the bedroom and what boundaries you have.
Being able to talk about sex openly, even when it’s difficult, is very key.
If there are health problems that might affect your sex life, you should be able to discuss them and find solutions.
As a Christian, I don’t support premarital sex, but I believe that it’s important to discuss what each of you expects in terms of your sexual relationship before you get married so that both of your expectations can be met.
7: How does my partner handle stress?
We all respond to stress differently.
Some people become withdrawn, others may get easily frustrated or angry, and others might become overwhelmed and shut down.
How your partner deals with stress can affect you, your relationship, and how you both handle difficult times together.
So, observe how your partner responds under pressure.
Do they communicate and ask for help, or do they try to manage everything on their own?
Do they take their stress out on others, or do they find healthy outlets to release it?
Do they turn to harmful habits like drinking or smoking?
Understanding your partner’s stress response and how it meshes with yours will give you an idea of what to expect in marriage.
8: Do I like my partner enough to spend forever with them?
When you’re considering marrying someone, it’s natural to focus on whether or not you love them.
Right?
Love is what we focus on, not like.
We think we are supposed to love our partners but like our friends.
Actually, you should not just love your partner; you should like them as well!
Liking your partner goes beyond the passion and intensity often associated with love.
It’s about genuinely enjoying their company, respecting them as an individual, appreciating their quirks and personality, and wanting to spend time with them, even in the most mundane moments.
Love can sometimes be filled with highs and lows, passion and drama, but ‘like’ is what helps you enjoy each other’s company on a day-to-day basis.
It’s the factor that helps sustain a relationship through everyday life, the quiet moments, and the challenges.
When you like your partner, you respect them and value their opinions, even if you disagree.
You enjoy their humor, their conversation, and their companionship.
You feel comfortable with them, can be yourself around them, and even enjoy the silence when there’s nothing to say.
Believe me; marriage can get really monotonous and mundane.
Asking if you like your partner enough to spend forever with them helps you assess whether you’ll enjoy your day-to-day life with them, which forms a huge part of marriage.
It’s about envisioning a shared future where you continue to value, respect, and enjoy each other’s company, not just in the exciting moments but also in the ordinary, everyday moments, which, I tell you, make the most of marriage.
This list is in no way exhaustive, but it’s a great place to start.
Take some time to think about it and ask yourself.
The important thing is honesty – with yourself, with your partner, and with your answers.
You may not have the answers to all these questions because, to be honest, you can’t really know who a person is or how they’ll behave.
But as I said, it’s a great place to start.
Good advice … but there is no way that you really can have a discussion about sexual compatibility if you are not practicing it !!
Not necessarily. One can have conversations about it without engaging in it, and one can be practicing it without talking about it.
There are several ways to know . Having a conversation about it is best , there are several people who had sex before they were married but still are not sexually compatible because they’ve never really had proper communication about their sex life
I agree with you! It’s the same thing I recommend in the article.
Excellent advice. Wish I knew this before my marriage.
I agree… Especially as the Holy Book says we should be Chaste😂
I thought it said …
Go forth and multiply
@Helena loubser, I agree with you. It was only after engaging did I decide to remain ‘chaste’ until I find someone. This space has pushed me to sink into other harmful habits which don’t happen whenever I’m in a relationship. I feel like it might get better when I find someone who can accept me no matter what.
@Helena loubser, there is actually. Its not a must we are supposed to ask it directly on how He performs but u can rather talk about how you want it then maybe that could lead the conversation n perhaps get to know a little on his sexual performance. You should know though, that a good one never talks much about them selves.
@Helena loubser,
I definitely agree with you. You can not discuss what you don’t know, and sex is not the same spoken. So this is the place where a marriage may really suck. Practiced and spoken are not the same. It does make a huge difference.
@Helena loubser, what if it’s practiced between both of you but you eventually get married to another person.asides, how many men would one practice it with before you eventually settled down
@Arasu,it is well
@Sherry, smiles.you witness to believe 😊
Loved this article. Every point is indeed so crucial! Thanks for sharing.
I have to agree with, Ms Loubser.
How can you have a discussion about “sexual compatibility” when you, as a couple, aren’t sexually active???
Yeah but conversations are just starting words and no one can really know wether they are sexually compatible when they are not having sex. If both partners are virgins then they definitely won’t be having a very helpful or productive conversation because they have no idea what they are talked my about. Like how do they have any idea what they like sexually or how often they want to have sex if they have never have sex. That’s a a conversation that will only be useful to those that are having and or have had sex. No sex before marriage is the most ridiculous regressive and pointless practice around. I would never buy a car without taking it for a long test drive first. I need to see how it handles it self on curves and if it can maintain on a little ng ride or if it blows a gasget before it gets me all the way there. Sorry but after your married is not the time to realise that you do not like how you partners is sexually. It’s dumb and sad they still try convince people to be abstinate.
@Carlton,I think one of the challenges people have is shying away from the truth n not being realistic. Both parties should understand being open about all aspects of life without holding back will go a long way.
Be comfortable to ask questions and be sincere in answering sexually related questions without holding back or getting into the act. Also make up your mind about self control while having such discussions.
Eg…it will be unfair to get married to someone who likes it for 5mins while the other can stay on for hours. The other is most likely going to cheat….
Discuss your fantasies,that will be a pointer to what’s ahead. God help us!
Very true.
Nice piece
Well done
Thank you!
My wife’s sister lives with us and my wife knows one of my pet peeves is a clean house. But her sister and her kids(adults) don’t seem to under stand that. They were evicted from their last place for what I didn’t ask. I get frustrated when they do t clean after themselves and I tell my wife about it and she tells me to lower my voice. So I tell my wife they have to go at the end of the month. Then she tells me to chill. What can I do ethically and/or legally? HELP!
Hello.
First plan a moment and place to discuss this topic with your wife. Outside the house. Go for a walk with your wife at the park maybe or something else. Only the two of you. Talk with her with love, patience. Remember she is stuck between taking care of her sister in this rough time and her love for her husband. Remind her that you aknowledge that its family. You respect her for taking care of her familly. But for your sanity and your couple peace you need to place this in a specific time frame. Discuss what her sister needs to do in order to find a place. And what your wife and you can do to help her.
Good luck
Disclaimer:I offer my thoughts with no expert qualification and do not accept any and all responsibility for how it’s used. So use or discard it as you see fit.
I totally understand. I need a clean house to function. The house must be clean in the morning when I wake up; no pile of dishes; every room neat; linen washed and changed frequently; shower 2x per day to keep linen clean. I absolutely need hand washing before anyone touches anything in the kitchen. HYGIENE keeps the doctor away and is great for peace and mental wellbeing.
It can be so fun and memorable having a full house if everyone pulls their weight and makes every member’s well-being their priority. Our family runs like a system because of decades of family meetings. It takes humility, listening and respect for each member to comply and change in order for the family system to run well and family harmony to exist.
So how about weekly family meetings?
Subject: maintaining a clean home and rules for harmoniously living in our home. Setting a success monitoring system. Adults self monitor; your wife holds folks accountable daily; family meeting reviews weekly for now; then monthly, quarterly, etc as things settle.
Draw a roster of who cleans when and how and to hold people accountable. Your spouse must lead on setting the rules for their family and not condone things that break harmony in your home.
Sadly, if the parent hasn’t taught the (now adult) kids how to do life, it’ll be tough for you to do so. Then a family meeting on exiting is warranted.
I am sorry. You love your wife; that’s why you married her. Find a marriage counsellor or a psychologist with a safe space. Don’t have an affair or latch to an addiction. Don’t gossip about your wife to friends and family. It will ruin your life.
Give them an eviction notice. Literally.
@Samuel, Could you help with the cleaning, and ask the family what they noticed about your house when they moved in. If they say how neat and clean it always was, tell them how you and your wife managed that i.e. never leaving dishes in the sink over night and other rules that when followed make you happy.
I once heard a friend say to her family “I’m not the only one who lives here, so why should I have to do all the cleaning?” I think that was a very good point.
Perhaps each person could be responsible for something specific; you’d have to have a family meeting to make an agreement. You’ve been kind enough to help them and you should not be taken for granted.
@Samuel, it seems like your in- laws are making your life a living hell. So I double dare you to beat them at their own game! Leave your underwear all over the place, leave dirty dishes on the floor, toilet paper, newspaper, things in odd places make it sooo bad that the kids and sister can barely get to their rooms.
What can you expect? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! For 1. 2 your point is. WHAT THE HELL is exactly right! This is how I feel when I come home when you all don’t clean after yourself. So if you don’t want this to get worse and it will, I suggest you and your kids start cleaning up after yourself.
Make it hell! It’s how you feel right? Put the kids toys in odd places, sister’s brah in the refrigerator. Have the couch turned over and leave it that way, claiming you were looking for a quarter.
Live for a week like metal head, guns and roses, Metallica , twisted sister loving 80s teenager. Milk carton slightly spilt on the counter, pizza crust on the floor, a piece of donut on the entertainment center. Crop dust the kids (meaning fart as you are passing right by them).
We are not going to take it anymore!
Twisted sister.
I’m sure your wife will have a one on one with you. All you have to say is. If you sister and her kids don’t start cleaning up after themselves it’s going to get worse. You don’t even have to yell. Watch.
I would threaten to walk butt ass naked with toilet paper still hanging out my ass while eating popcorn watching television. Think I’m playing. Hell bro. I think the kids will get the point before the nudity part kicks in.
If it works you can thank me. If you get divorced because of your actions you can thank me.
Good luck.
@Samuel, Have a discussion with all parties involved and don’t beat around the bush. You have to say what your expectations are so they know what to expect. You obviously can’t depend upon your wife to let them know how life is under your roof. During this conversation you should let them know the ramifications if things don’t improve. This means they move out at the end of the month or a specified time frame or you will move out and seek a divorce attorney. Your wife isn’t supporting you so I wouldn’t count on anything from her but I definitely would be prepared or start seeking a divorce attorney as I doubt things will change.
This is highly practical. Thanks so much
Thank you for reading
Nice article
I am also a Christian and don’t believe in pre-marital sex.
Such beautiful nd true content
Educative. Thank you.
Maybe have a set down with the sister and her children and have conversation about what is needed from in order for this living arrangement can continue. I think it could work. Building up resentment is harmful.
Brilliant advice
Thank you!
Marriage is for Christian’s not for the “Shag it and see if you like it” crowd.
Well said
Good advice
Fair enough for all couples happiness comes from within yourself not from others Love Acceptance Understanding Commitment Change HAPPINESS 🤗
Thank you for your idea I love they
One other question you should ask yourself.With over fifty percent of marriages ending in divorce.Do you feel lucky?If fifty percent of aircraft that crossed the Atlantic Ocean crashed ,Would you take the chance and fly to Europe for a romantic honeymoon?You have got to be out of your freaking mind too get married!
People are still getting married and happy.
@Divorced after 34 years,
Yes, you jump into that airplane and say, airplanes don’t plunge everyday. You’re still going to die some other way anyway. Don’t be a coward, just because one person hurt you, it doesn’t mean that every one you meet will be like that other person. You have to accept the reality that you too, somehow, contributed to the deterioration of the relationship. Either by being too complacent and never really working on building the relationship. Or by never standing your ground and always too eager to please, being pushed around too much and never setting boundaries. The word is COMPROMIZE. But life and love are great, go out and have a Ball!!
When referring to one person, it is incorrect English to refer to that person as “them.”
If you are a Christian, you know that a marriage is between ONE person and another person.
The gender is determined by DNA before birth, and gender is not something to be chosen or really changed. Removing body parts does not change the sex. It will always be what it was when the person was born.
Of course there are people who seem to have a hard time recognizing their sex, but nothing they do will change it.
I have learnt a lot and also gain a lot to add to mine
@Abigail Acheampong, HUH?
Nice advice
Great guide to start with, indeed.
You know, these are great points. I wondered how I’d fair on the 8 points, knowing that my husband and I married after just spending 12 days face to face and getting married. Well I can honestly say we covered all 8 points before marriage and believe it or not we’ve been married 54 years so far! We are still each other’s soul mates and still very much in love.
Direct and precise advice 🤏
So what do you do in such situations?
I’m Single, This is a guide before setting down.
Good Article. I do think that every person should consider these points before marrying. But I think it is unrealistic to expect everything from one person. When we do we are setting up our marriage to fail. Do discuss yet decide which 3-4 traits you absolutely need for the rest of the life to make you happy and feel stable.
Rest is you call adjustment or compromise. Cheers !
I have learned a lot of from this and I will use the knowledge to help my children and siblings. Also very useful to me as I am already married and have in my marriage for many years. So helpful indeed. Thanks a lot.
This is a good list, but it’s lacking ‘tendency to lie, omit or make excuses.’ This is so hard to know initially, but my advice is to get ground zero knowledge of each others fiscal worth and obligations. Go through an actual financial disclosure (as you would in a divorce settlement) before you have to do it as expected in mediation, and do it with each other having your own lawyer present. If you’re ready to commit to this, you’re open enough to face investing time and money into giving it a shot. Every 5 years do it again. If I had, we could have averted disasters. Keep in mind, if one of you screws up, you will have to choose between guilt tripping each other, or digging in deep and asking the humbling question, “what can I do to help?” I chose the later. It’s not easy to commit and start working thru things, but it lends mutual respect to the relationship, and validates the love with trust and pride in the shared accomplishment. You do yourself a massive favor if you do this before starting a family. These are tasks many aren’t built for you,. Are you?
Thank you
WOW this is what I should have been advised for before marriage ☹️☹️☹️. It’s the 5th year of my marriage life♥️♥️ but most of the time I regret my marriage, and I don’t like having this feelings towards my marriage 💔💔😥😥 we lack in communication s….and there’s plenty other things that I find it difficult to be with him😔😔….but what can I do?? RIGHT!!!!….. I’m bound in the marriage vows💝💝
@Mere,
Some words that were given to me in a tough time was to be kind! Show kindness in words, tone, body language, or actions!
Remember as a Christian, there is a third person in your marriage, God!
My husband and I bless each others spirits everyday, and I can tell you that it helps us to connect on a deeper level that Is unexplainable!
This spirit blessing comes from Arthur Burk, and nothing hidden ministries
(Name), I call your spirit to attention to operate in a leadership role over your body and your soul. And (Name) I call your spirit into alignment for the purposes of Jesus in your life today!
Be real. Be Honest. Find the secret place in God, and ask God for the strategies for your life and marriage! Remember our God loves impossible odds!
Don Francisco has some words in a song that I absolutely resonate with “love is not a feeling, it’s an act of your will”
Awesome Tips! Great talking points when searching for my forever woman. I do have a question though. You mentioned that marriage is often monotonous and mundane. I couldn’t help but feel disappointment of that fact. So I ask why? Why is marriage often mundane and monotonous? Is it by choice? Is it because of financial restraint?
What would make a marriage less mundane and monotonous?
Answer this following question to your spouse and yourself. If you only had 1 day to live with each other what would we do?
Do this every day and do it without any excuses.
Although by grace often times tomorrow will come as today, but not forever in our lives.
Always remember people make relationships to try and meet their needs. Emotional, psychological, physical, financial, social. No one marries to sacrifice themselves for someone else, they do it to improve their own well being.
This is such a nice write up. I was like, someone that finally speaks my language, especially about the “liking your partner”part. It is so important but people hardly even bother about it.
Big ups to u🙌, I enjoyed reading this.
A lovely piece.so full of great thoughts
I agree with these points however, the most important question of all that wasn’t included: What if he or she changes their mind regarding these important questions? Marriage is a losing game. Don’t play it.
Great read and the items are on point. It’s a pity for me. If I had known these, I think I will live 20 years more in happiness and fulfillment. Not too late to start all over. Afterall, it is the quality not the quantity of life that matters. Thank you for sharing.
People change indeed but that includes you. You change too with the passage of time. The truth as I see it is that asking these questions gives a healthy, mutually beneficial and cut-to-the-chase platform upon which the marriage kicks off.
The changes is most likely than not going to be like two sandpapers rubbing against each other to form a smooth surface in the long run. Ceteris paribus.
Kindly advise, fallen in love with this man, we were together for 10 months 6 apart, we had ups and downs because we were both in college, different locations and was struggling with financial too, the pressure got to much and we could quarrel sometime but I still loved him so much, coming January he broke up with me saying that he wants to work on himself, I have been so devastated, I never thought he would do this, gave him 3 months of no contact and I decided to reach out to him, fuck🥺 he says that he still loves me though he doesn’t want to initiate a conversation that much, I thought things have cooled down so I asked if we could still try cause I love him so much 😩, we were so compatible in every aspect. He says that I still should give him time to work on himself as he had promised, when I ask how long?🤷 He doesn’t answer, though he still calls me sweet names 🥺, what can I really do 😭, this thing breaks me, I really want to be with him
If he doesn’t have a timeline then he, indirectly, may not want to go into relationship with you, & probably needed that space to break off fully with you. If you love some1 & want to be with him/her, then there should be a timeline which shouldn’t be long for me more than a yr Max (for me)
So, I’ll advise you forget about him, & focus on your future. Life is not that long to spend on waiting indefinitely. In fact, you may miss a better person while @ it.