My friend confided in me a few years back that he was bored in his marriage.
I found that shocking because, prior to that, he and his wife were the enviable couple of our group of friends.
You know those couples that you were sure would be together forever because of how in sync they were and how much fun they seemed to have together?
Yeah, they were that couple.
So, you can imagine why this information surprised me.
I initially thought it was the usual loss of sparks due to familiarity.
But by the time he gave me details, I figured out their problem – his wife was treating him more like a roommate and less like her romantic partner.
I advised him to talk to her, and they were thankfully able to sort out their issue.
But that taught me something.
The wife didn’t know she was treating her husband that way.
She had just settled into married life, became lethargic, and unintentionally started treating her husband like her roommate.
Many women have also fallen into this pit unintentionally, and while some can come out of it, some marriages suffer for it.
I wrote this piece to prevent that.
It will help you review your behavior and see if you are treating your man like your husband or your roommate.
8 Signs You Are Treating Your Husband More Like A Roommate
1. You Don’t Talk To Him Anymore
A funny tidbit: After I wrote this point, the first thing that came to mind was Charlie Puth’s “We Don’t Talk Anymore.”
Although his was about a relationship where the lady found a new love, so I don’t know why it did, but I just thought to add that because it may make you smile.
Now, back to the business of the day, what this means is that you no longer have conversations like couples should.
This doesn’t mean you don’t talk at all.
It means you only have superficial and surface discussions.
For instance, you’re slipping into roommate mode if you no longer have meaningful conversations with your husband beyond house logistics, the kids, and who does what in the home.
Yes, you should talk about the above, as they are also important, but a thriving marriage needs more than that.
You also need to share your thoughts, dreams, and even the small, random details of your day.
Your husband should be the first person that comes to mind when something happens or when you have certain thoughts.
If you find yourself texting friends instead of telling your husband about your work drama or sitting in the same room scrolling your phones in silence, you are growing emotionally distant.
You need to get back to finding that friendship where you spoke to him about everything and anything.
2. You Are No Longer Interested In Sex With Him
I often jokingly say marriage is two best friends living together who can have sex.
Of course, I know it is much more than that, but let’s assume that’s it for a minute, wouldn’t it be weird then that you are not having sex?
Some unforeseen circumstances may prevent physical intimacy or if you were both asexual and have built a formidable emotional bond.
Aside from that, sex is a given in a healthy marriage because it is even more than just a physical act; it’s an emotional connection between partners who are in love.
So, if you constantly make excuses to avoid intimacy, you are basically telling your husband that you are not attracted to him anymore, and he is now a man you just live with.
Yes, every couple goes through dry spells, but if the idea of being intimate with him feels like an obligation or doesn’t even cross your mind, you likely see him as a roommate.
You need to go back to where things went wrong to get back that fire in your bedroom.
3. He Is No Longer Your Priority
Before we even talk of marriage where two have become one and you are sharing a life, couples in a relationship prioritize each other.
So, if that is not the case for you in marriage, you are not treating your man like your husband.
Normally, you should make plans with him in mind, check in on his well-being, and care about his happiness.
If you are instead focused on work, kids, personal goals, or even social media than on your relationship, your husband is just another person in the house, not your partner.
Note that I am not saying you shouldn’t have all these things and focus on them as required, but your husband should be a priority, too.
Or at least, he should always be involved.
If your schedules barely align and you don’t even consider how your actions affect him, it’s a sign that he has become a cohabitant rather than a life partner.
4. You Don’t Feel The Need To Be Accountable
I had a roommate once, and when I did, although we were friends, there was a level of accountability that was missing in our relationship.
As I said, we were friends—in fact, we decided to live together because of our friendship.
So, there was some level of accountability between us.
For example, I would let her know when I was going out or would be late, and vice versa.
However, there were aspects of my life that I didn’t need to check in with her, and vice versa.
For instance, when I changed jobs, I didn’t ask her or need her input.
I told her because she was my friend, but I didn’t need to consider how that affected her because it didn’t.
What am I saying, basically?
You need to ask yourself if the accountability you accord your husband is the same as that of me and my friend or if it reflects people who see themselves as extensions of each other.
I know some people see accountability as control; no, it’s about respect.
You shouldn’t come and go as you please without letting him know where you are, make big decisions without discussing them with him, or don’t consider his feelings in your actions.
That’s not how a wife behaves; that’s for roommates.
You wouldn’t just disappear for hours without telling your partner ideally.
If that’s the case, you are treating him like a roommate.
5. You Relate To Him As A Platonic Friend
Friendship is great in a marriage; counselors often advise that people marry their friends and become friends in marriage.
However, when you have a friendship, but all the romance is stripped away, that’s a problem.
If your conversations sound more like casual chats with a buddy and there’s no flirting, affection, or emotional intimacy, your relationship might be in roommate territory.
You may do things together and ensure the home runs as usual, but if there is no deeper emotional or physical connection, you need to engage in deep introspection.
Do I see my husband as only a friend, or is he also my lover, as he should be?
6. You Lead A Separate Life From Him
As I said earlier, in marriage, two become one, meaning you are both an extension of the other.
Yes, married couples don’t have to do everything together, but they also don’t live two separate lives.
It’s a red flag when you start living a completely separate life from your man – different schedules, separate interests, minimal quality time, separate everything else.
Something is wrong if you prefer hanging out with your friends more than with him or if you find joy in solo activities rather than shared experiences.
If your life would look exactly the same whether or not he was in it, that’s a strong indication you’re treating him more like a housemate than a life partner.
7. You Don’t Seek Affection From Him
In a loving marriage, affection is natural; you reach for his hand, lean in for a hug, or simply enjoy being close.
But if you’ve stopped craving his touch, don’t notice when he pulls away, or even avoid physical contact, you need to watch out – things aren’t right.
You may even do some out of habit, but if there’s no warmth behind it, it means something is missing.
You are likely feeling detached and no longer seeing your husband as your lover.
8. You Don’t Fight With Him
Recently, I was talking to someone about how I have low expectations from people, including my friends.
I don’t demand so much from them – I know some people do, but I don’t.
However, that same thing never applied when I was in a relationship and now married.
I fought and FIGHT more with my romantic partners than with my friends, and I realized it was because I cared so much.
I also found out it was the same for others – even those who demand so much from their friends – they still fought more with their romantic partners because the relationship is closer.
In essence, I’m saying arguing is a sign of engagement; it shows you care deeply.
When you stop fighting, it is not always because everything is perfect and sometimes because you just don’t care enough to address issues.
Roommates avoid confrontation to keep the peace because they don’t have a deep emotional investment in each other’s feelings.
But in a marriage, conflict – when handled well – helps you grow together.
If disagreements don’t bother you anymore, or you’d rather stay silent than work through problems, you are showing him you’ve emotionally checked out.