I’m smiling as I write this because this brought back memories of when my husband and I were going for the marriage course before our wedding.
One of the topics in the marriage course is conflict resolution, and part of the things we learned is ‘things you should never say when your spouse is upset’.
There are times arguments will arise in a marriage, and one party will feel like saying all that they’ve been bottling up.
It doesn’t matter who is upset—one or both people in the marriage.
I can tell you for free that the point where your spouse is upset isn’t the right time to say certain things.
There are things you shouldn’t even say at all—like, ever.
Words cannot be taken back once they’re uttered, and if they’re horrible, you’ll end up regretting ever saying them.
On the other hand, your spouse might forgive you for saying those things, but they won’t forget no matter how hard they try or how much you apologize.
I engaged some of my older friends who are also older than me in marriage on this topic to get diverse inputs.
I’ll be combining them with the lessons I picked from the marriage course.
It’ll be best for you to read to the end, as it promises to be packed with value.
7 Things You Should Never Say When Your Spouse Is Upset
1. “I wish I never met you.”
Whoa!
Now, that’s huge.
Like I mentioned earlier, words cannot be taken back when spoken, and if they’re bad, you’ll later regret saying them.
Telling your spouse that you wish you never met them in the heat of an argument is very wrong and harsh.
I bet you, this is one statement that’ll stick like second skin in their minds, no matter how much you apologize and try to make it up to them.
They’ll always remember, and there are certain actions you’ll take later that might be unrelated to them, but they’ll find a way to link it back to you regretting ever meeting them.
The mind can be deceiving, I tell you.
It has a way of enlarging whatever you feed it, so you need to be careful.
As the saying goes, ‘Think before you speak.’
No matter how tempers flare between you and your spouse, learn to think about your words before you say them out.
If they won’t sound palatable later, they won’t sound palatable at that moment either.
In moments of disagreement, learn to keep your emotions in check.
Always take a deep breath and run through your words in your mind before they leave your mouth.
Even if you’re no longer interested in the marriage and it’s bound to end, not speaking harsh words to each other will increase the chances of maintaining a cordial relationship afterwards.
This is especially important and necessary if there are kids involved.
2. “Forget about it.”
When you tell your spouse to ‘forget about it’, in the real sense, you’re asking them to drop the topic, which is obviously making them upset and something they want to talk about.
No one likes fights and arguments in their relationship.
It’s okay if you don’t want to talk at that point, but don’t go about it like your spouse’s feeling is not valid.
Don’t just shut them down and refuse to talk—that’ll be an unfair way to treat anyone; talk more of your partner.
You can gently tell them that you need a breather, as you’re not in the mental space to have the conversation.
Assure them that you’ll both talk about it the moment you’re in the right frame of mind.
3. “You’re so lazy.”
One thing you should never do whenever you’re having an argument with your spouse and they’re upset is bringing in personal attacks.
There are better times and ways to talk about their imperfections that seem to be getting on your nerves so much.
It doesn’t have to be at the time you’re talking about a different issue, which might be totally unrelated to the imperfections, by the way.
When I was in high school, I used to spend some of my holidays in the homes of my favorite relatives.
I remember spending one of such holidays in the home of my big cousin, who also has her own family.
One of her friends came around one day and was ranting about how her husband told her that she was very lazy.
According to her, she was pained because he raised it when they were having an argument that’s unrelated to her being lazy.
Besides, he had always been used to and okay with her laziness.
So, why was it an issue for him?
I don’t know how the matter ended, but that scenario didn’t leave my mind after all these years.
In my young mind, I knew that it was wrong, and it’s still wrong to go personal on your spouse, especially when it’s uncalled for.
Address the issue at hand and leave their imperfections for later.
4. “It’s fine. Whatever.”
There’s nothing right about brushing your partner off when they’re talking.
When you say, “It’s fine. Whatever.” to them when they’re upset, you’re simply letting them know that you don’t care about whatever it is they’re talking about.
It shows that their feelings don’t really matter to you.
You might say it as a way to avoid having any fights with your spouse.
But instead of calming the storm, it’ll only make matters worse because those words mean worse than you want to portray.
The best way to get over problems is by facing them.
Talk about them, make up with your spouse, and let peace be restored in your home.
5. “You always do so-so things.”
This is a habit of bringing up past issues that have been long resolved and forgiven.
It’s not cool and is immature and childish.
For instance, you may say, “You always throw tantrums to cover up what you did. You did it three months ago at my friend’s wedding. You’re doing it again now.”
It’s very wrong.
Let the past remain in the past.
Learn to treat every problem independently of the other.
Constantly bringing up issues from the past shows that you have an unforgiving spirit, bear grudges, and that you tend to hold on to things even when they’re not necessary.
6. “Calm down.”
I remember being asked during the marriage course how I feel whenever someone asks me to calm down especially when I’m upset.
And I remember saying that I feel very unsettled by the statement because it shows that I’m overreacting to the issue on ground.
How I feel hasn’t changed, and it’s the truth of so many people out there.
That’s why “Calm down.” usually achieves the exact opposite reaction whenever it’s said.
It’s one of the things you should never say when your spouse is upset because it’s a way of saying that your spouse’s emotions at that point are too much for you to handle, and are way bigger than the issue at hand.
You’re indirectly implying that they’re blowing things out of proportion with their reaction.
7. “You’re pathetic.”
There’s nothing mature about hurling insults and hurtful words at people, more so, the one you love.
Instead of resorting to hurling insults, you should learn how to be more mature and communicate like an adult.
You can borrow a leaf from point 1 to always take a deep breath and run through your words in your mind before they leave your mouth.
Remember that an argument involves two people.
If you feel that your words will come out rude and harsh, don’t talk at all.
Let your spouse vent and rant, but offer no replies.
Hopefully, they’ll stop when they’re not getting the desired reaction from you.
Then, allow tempers to calm totally before ironing out the issue.
One moment, you’re gushing about your spouse, and the next, you’re wondering what you ever saw in them.
It happens to the best of us, but that shouldn’t make you overstep and cause your marriage an irreparable damage with your mouth.
Every emotion, including anger, is fleeting.
They’ll fade, but the memories of these emotions will always remain.
Anger should never make you say things that’ll intentionally hurt your spouse.
You can disagree in a healthy way if you understand each other and communicate effectively.
Even if they’re upset, the mutual respect between you will help guide your reactions and lead to a peaceful conflict resolution.