Lately, you’ve asked yourself, “Why is my grown daughter so mean to me?”
Perhaps you and your daughter used to be very close, but when you try to engage her in a conversation these days, she gives you one-worded responses in a bitter and hostile manner.
It looks like she’s bearing a grudge against you.
Hold off from concluding that your daughter hates you.
There must be a reason why your daughter mistreats you so severely.
The disrespect and anger certainly didn’t originate from nothing.
There are so many reasons why your daughter is acting hostile towards you.
It can be about something you did, or it can be entirely about her too.
Let’s see some likely reasons why your daughter is acting so mean to you.
6 Reasons Your Grown Daughter Is So Mean To You
1. You pressured her when she was a child
She was always good as a child, getting straight ‘A’s, never requesting anything, and always obedient.
Maybe she was always handy in caring for her younger siblings and did more house chores than any of her siblings.
As a result, you branded her a ‘happy and perfect child’.
She appeared mature and responsible for her age and promised to blossom into a successful young lady.
However, having a lot of responsibilities resting on her shoulders at such a tender age held her back from experiencing and enjoying her childhood thoroughly.
Rather than concern herself with being a child at that age, she was occupied with being low maintenance and meeting the high expectations you set for her.
She now resents you because she feels that you snatched her childhood from her.
This might be why your grown daughter is so mean to you.
2. She lacks wholesome coping mechanisms
Your daughter is bound to act irrationally towards other people if she doesn’t have wholesome coping mechanisms for handling intense emotions.
So, if she’s going through a bad phase, she’ll ensure everyone around her participates in her misery, and the easiest person to bear the brunt of her frustration is a loved one.
That explains why she’s being so mean to you.
She’ll attack you over tiny things.
She’s only looking for someone to blame other than herself.
Her inner child is broken and vulnerable, which shows in her anger.
Anger is an emotional state that’s mainly caused by sadness or hurt.
Anger aims to protect.
When she pours her anger on you, she feels that she’s shielding herself in her most vulnerable state.
3. She feels inadequate
The feeling of inadequacy is there, whether or not you contributed to her seeing herself in such a light.
She’s struggling with her self-image and confidence, making her act mean to her loved ones whenever she feels insecure.
Of course, her reaction is not an excuse for her bad behaviour.
Her feelings of inadequacy might have started as far back as when she was still a child.
If she was your favourite low-maintenance child back in the day, she might have believed that she didn’t deserve some things, and so never asked you for anything.
Feelings of inadequacy are a typical pointer to depression and anxiety, making someone prone to angry outbursts and social withdrawals.
4. You were a permissive parent
While it’s true that setting the bar so high for someone won’t upgrade their mental health, but letting your children get away with everything they do isn’t going to make them successful either.
If you didn’t know how to say no to her as a child, she’d grow up thinking that everything she wants will come to her on a platter of gold.
This entitlement mentality is terrible.
It is a ticking time bomb.
Guess what?
She likely blames you because life didn’t go as she envisioned.
The eye-opening reality of adulthood might be dawning on her, and if you didn’t put her through life’s essential skills, she might hate you now for her unpreparedness.
Change is not easy, and she clearly wasn’t prepared for this.
5. She’s declaring her individuality
Perhaps, your daughter feels you don’t recognise that she’s grown.
Do you still handle her like a child?
If the table is turned, how will you react?
Maybe you’re trying to exact your perception of who she is based on your observations and parental instincts.
On the other hand, she’s trying to show you who she is or who she’s aspiring to be.
She’s feeling frustrated by your biased view of her.
6. You were too heavy-handed
Strict parents are not known for raising children who behave well for long.
You forced her to keep secrets from you when you set limits on what she could do.
There were expectations you set for her that she couldn’t meet, bars you raised that were too high for her.
So, she struggled with balancing her reality and the reality you wanted.
She failed at maintaining the balance but became an expert at keeping up appearances.
She couldn’t trust you with the truth or anything and kept her struggles away from you to avoid getting you disappointed and angry.
Born to strict parents, she learnt not to trust grownups to deal with situations without being angry and punishing her even when they don’t understand the problem.
As a result, she became a great liar.
You might think you knew her too well, but she successfully hid a greater part of her personality from you.
It’ll not be surprising if the version of your daughter you know is far different from what other people know.
7. She believes you failed her
Ideally, daughters look up to their parents as their role models.
Maybe there’s a picture-perfect image of you in her mind, and unconsciously, she expects you to live up to it.
Perhaps she looked up to you and had high expectations of you, but you fell short of her expectations.
Of course, no one is perfect.
But you will be blamed here if you’re typically someone with a terrible attitude and a personality that’s nothing to write home about.
I mean, it doesn’t take anything to be fundamentally nice.
Even if you don’t go all out to catch a grenade or move the world for her, or be a model for her potential Prince Charming, doing the little, important things will go a long way to show her that you genuinely love and care for her.
So, if for some reason you couldn’t come through for her in even the basic things, she’ll feel you failed her.
And her feeling is very much valid.
8. You broke her trust
Your grown daughter may act so mean to you because you broke her trust.
Trust is like glass; once broken, it’ll never remain the same, no matter how much you try to patch it.
It’s important to know that children have great trust in their parents.
Parents are the first people children get to trust in their lives.
So, imagine trusting someone completely and waking up one day to see they’ve broken your trust.
You’ll go through all the stages of pain — denial, disbelief, disappointment and anger.
If your daughter is being mean to you, she might be going through the stages of pain from you breaking her trust.
Do some introspection.
I’m sure you’ll be able to pinpoint how you broke her trust.
9. You hurt her
Did you hurt your daughter knowingly or unknowingly?
It may be why she’s acting so mean to you.
Search yourself to know the exact point where she started acting up.
Check if it’s about something you did to her.
If you can’t think of anything that’ll warrant her acting the way she’s, it’s time to chat with her to know exactly what your offence is.
What To Do About It
There’s a high chance that her meanness towards you is neither her fault entirely nor yours.
While you’re responsible for how you treat her, she’s responsible for how she treats others.
There are some proven ways to ease the tension and mend and enhance the bond between your daughter and yourself.
Here they are:
1. Speak with her
Have a heartfelt conversation with her, and try not to be defensive while at it.
Please do not respond to her attacks, and don’t forget to set boundaries when speaking.
Both of you should agree on using statements that explain how a situation made you feel rather than ones that aim to blame the other person.
For instance, rather than saying, “You always ignore me”, say — “I feel hurt when you don’t respond to my texts”.
2. Listen to understand her
Most people listen to respond rather than listening to understand the other person’s point.
Please don’t listen to draw up points to defend yourself; instead, listen to understand her.
Please pay attention to whatever she says whenever she’s ready to talk.
Please resist the urge to react by taking it personally and be in haste to defend yourself.
Keep your ego by the side and hear her out.
3. Apologise to her
If you find out that you hurt her from your heartfelt conversation, it’s only proper to apologise to her.
Tendering a sincere apology is the first step towards mending your strained relationship with your daughter.
Own up that your actions were wrong and accept that they affected her in various ways.
When you apologise, give her some space if she needs it.
Give her time to calm down.
However, please don’t engage in any verbal clash with her.
She has every right to be angry.
4. Re-evaluate your relationship
It might not be easy to get your daughter to see you in another light if she has known you to be strict all her life.
Realise and accept that it’ll take time for the change to be effected and that your relationship will be different from what it was.
I hope this helps.
All the best!