“I wanted the divorce; why am I so sad?”
Is the statement above gradually becoming a norm in your life since you got divorced?
The process of divorce is complex and can result in mixed and confusing emotions.
This can create gloom around and within you.
Some factors can contribute to the gloominess you feel after divorce.
Let’s discuss them below:
1. Your brain is readjusting to the new reality
The things you value most and the people you interact with most frequently occupy a larger space in your brain.
So, it’s not out of place for feelings, thoughts and memories linked to your ex to pop up, even if the divorce is over and done with.
It usually takes a month to break a routine, and if that routine involves people, it can take a longer time to die.
It would be best to be patient with yourself; with time, your brain will adjust to the new normal.
However, if you discover that it’s getting harder for you to adjust, you may still have unresolved issues with your ex that are meddling in your adjustment process.
2. You’re reminded of beautiful moments from the past
As you go back to living your life after divorce, you’ll be quickly reminded of your ex at almost every point.
It’ll be especially so for people who have been together for many years and built their lives around each other.
Some people, places, foods and smells can activate pleasant memories you both shared.
In turn, these memories might remind you of why you decided to settle down with this person in the first place.
And then, you’ll start having great feelings of sadness and loss.
3. You mourn your old life
Grief isn’t experienced when people die alone.
People grieve the loss of their relationships too.
It’s perfectly normal to go through all or some of the stages of grief after divorce.
Even if you genuinely wanted the divorce, you may still feel heartache, loneliness and loss when the divorce is finalised.
Reality will eventually hit you when it’s time for you to move on with your life (without your ex).
A part of you will feel very sad and crave not only the good times you shared but also having a partner in your life.
Here’s what the different stages of grief look like:
- Denial — “This divorce isn’t happening.”
- Anger — “I’m furious and can’t believe this is truly happening to me.”
- Bargaining — “If I had taken a different approach to this, we might still be together.”
- Depression — “I feel sad, unwanted and lonely. Will I ever get married again?
- Acceptance — “Yes, the marriage didn’t work out, and divorce happened. I’m over it and ready to move on with my life.”
It can be that you have unsettled feelings for your ex if you’re still finding it difficult to get to the stage of acceptance of your divorce.
Even if you dislike the mere thought of them, you might still react strongly emotionally whenever memories of them are triggered.
You need help and support if this is what you’re going through.
4. You think you’re selfish for asking for a divorce
Feeling selfish after a divorce is normal, especially if you have children.
There’s a big divide between asking for a divorce because it’s the best decision and stepping on the people who care about you to get what you want.
Regarding the mental health of your children, it is usually hardest on them.
It’ll be best if you and your ex can show what a wholesome adult relationship is, even after the divorce.
How Do I Stop Feeling Sad And Guilty About The Divorce?
Guilt usually originates from the feeling that you’ve done something wrong.
It’s such a complicated emotion that makes people retract their steps or reconcile to unburden the situation.
In divorce, it’s nearly impossible to let go of guilt.
However, you can help yourself move on quickly from the situation if you clearly understand why you’re feeling guilty.
Only then can you talk about moving on to healing.
Outlined below are some steps you can take to get rid of the feelings of sadness and guilt after divorce
1. Believe in your decision
You are bound to feel guilty if you were pushing for a divorce and your ex didn’t want it.
It doesn’t also mean that the divorce was wrong.
You were the other party in the marriage and knew where the shoe pinched you.
What’s done is done, and you need to move on.
2. Support your children
The presence of children in a marriage can make a divorce more complex.
Let’s get this straight — your children need to grow up in an environment filled with love.
They need to see their parents happy together and in a wholesome relationship.
You should help your children by supporting each other through healthy co-parenting.
Even if you are no longer together, jointly teach your children about the significance of remaining loving and staying connected in this new reality of your family.
3. Send guilt packing from your life
Delve into why you’re feeling guilty and thoroughly question your feelings and thoughts surrounding the guilt.
Dispute the negative beliefs that try to stand in the way and present better ones with lower emotions.
It would be best to sift through the emotion of guilt and overcome it.
You can achieve this through speaking with your family and close friends, using the services of a counsellor, or even joining a support group.
Any guilt left unchecked can get out of hand.
So ensure you check yourself thoroughly through introspection and seek extra help and support if needed.
4. Find a network of support
This is not the time to isolate yourself; understand that you need help to pull through this.
Divorce makes you very vulnerable.
It is easy to want to shut everyone out, but you need love and support much more when you are most vulnerable.
You can achieve this through speaking with your family and close friends, using the services of a counsellor, or even joining a support group.
It’s always good to talk to someone who has gone through a similar experience or can provide emotional support.
5. Take time for yourself
Don’t lose yourself in the process.
This is where self-care comes in.
Take time out of your day to do things that make you happy and relaxed.
Find time to exercise, read a book, or even rest.
Breathe, Love, Laugh… You are fine, and you will be fine.
Conclusion
If you’re wondering why you’re still feeling hurt and pained by yourself, you need to learn that it’s normal to suddenly feel hurt over a divorce, even if it happened years ago.
Don’t forget that it takes time to adjust and ease into a new lifestyle and routine.
It would help if you also had time to change your view about yourself and adapt appropriately to a life without your ex.
The least you can do for yourself is to be patient and kind to yourself as you go through this experience.
If you’re at ease with yourself during the process, it’ll rub off well on your loved ones and other people who come in contact with you.
Extend grace to yourself.
All the best!