While the concept of marriage is beautiful, it is not a walk in the park.
In marriage, you won’t always have it sweet and easy.
There will be tough times, sometimes tough enough to make you question whether you’re with the right person.
But that’s why there are questions you should ask and conversations you should have with your intended spouse long before you settle down with them.
While some people think that the perfect time to ask these questions and have these conversations is when you get engaged and are preparing to walk down the aisle, I’m of the opinion that you should start at the relationship stage.
At least, nothing is certain at that time, and the probability of getting false answers from your partner is low because they may not be thinking of settling down at that time.
Let me quickly point out that if you play by my rules and ask these questions at the early stages of your relationship, it’ll be in your best interest not to take your partner’s responses lightly because that’s exactly how they feel about those topics.
Although change is constant, the likelihood of their feelings or viewpoints about such topics changing is low, considering that they’ve been with you only for a fairly short time.
You might be wondering what these questions are.
Not to worry.
We’re getting to them.
No matter how difficult or weighty they feel, you must ask them and have proper conversations about them if you don’t want to encounter roadblocks in those areas of your marriage in the future.
Even if you have problems, they won’t be as weighty as compared to when you didn’t talk about them at all.
So, let’s take a look at some of the questions you need to ask your partner before you agree to get married to them.
Don’t Marry Someone Until You Can Honestly Ask Them These 12 Questions
1. What’s your definition of marriage?
One of the questions you need to ask your partner before getting married to them is their definition of marriage.
You need to find out what marriage means to them because different people view marriage differently.
While some people think that it’s just a legal and official endorsement for two people to start living together, others think that it’s an all-encompassing partnership.
For some people, they see marriage as their ticket to coming home to home-made meals and a well-kept house.
Others can see it as an avenue for going on regular dates and romantic trips.
You’ll be surprised to know that some people view marriage as a poverty alleviation scheme.
Whenever they hear of marriage, they think of it as their escape from poverty to a better life.
You see?
These views listed above are just like a drop in the ocean of views of millions of people all over the world.
You should ask your partner this question before marriage.
It’s best that you both talk about your marital needs and expectations and be on the same page before embarking on the journey so that neither of you will feel left out when the time comes.
2. What are your financial goals?
Money makes the world go round, so they say.
One of the first questions you should ask your intending spouse is about their financial goals.
Most of the strain many marriages go through originates from money matters, so it’ll be wise for you to talk about your finances and be on the same page with your partner before you even get married.
Talk extensively about how you handle savings, spending, and debts as separate individuals.
Discuss having separate or joint bank accounts.
Then, discuss how you should share the expenses in your marriage.
Also, find out if they have any gender-based expectations when it comes to finances in marriage.
For instance, do they feel like it’s a man’s duty to always pay the house rent, or it’s a woman’s duty to stock up the kitchen?
3. What’s your love language?
It’s important that you discuss with your partner and learn about each other’s love language(s).
Trust me, you really want to know how your partner wants to be loved so that you won’t be doing the wrong thing.
For instance, you might be showering them with gifts and spending quality time with them while their actual love language is rendering acts of service.
You can now see that they are not connected in any way.
Are you showing them love?
Yes.
Are you speaking their love language?
No.
If you don’t ask, you won’t know.
When you both talk about it from the onset, you’ll know the right things to do as a show of love for each other.
Learning and speaking each other’s love languages will help to set the mood for smooth communication and romance in your marriage.
4. What are your dealbreakers in relationships?
Everyone has relationship dealbreakers.
Dealbreakers generally range from cheating, lies, and all forms of abuse to the issue of wanting to have children, religious preferences, and expectations from a potential spouse.
It’s up to you to ask your intending spouse about theirs and tell them about yours.
It’s important to ask them this question as it’ll determine if you’re both in sync and if your dealbreakers are what you can both avoid in the long run.
If you’re both on the same page regarding dealbreakers, I think your relationship is well on its way to being more solidified.
5. Do you want to have children?
Another important question to ask your intending spouse is if they want to have children.
Ask about the number of children they want, if their answer is affirmative.
Birthing and raising children is not a walk in the park and should not be a decision that’s left to one person alone.
While it is very tasking and demanding, it’s also a rewarding venture if done right.
Together, decide on the number of children you want.
You both might not agree on a number at first, but keep revisiting the topic till you reach an agreement.
6. What will you do if we have difficulties with getting pregnant?
Now, this is one of the difficult questions, but you must ask it.
While no one hopes or prays to be in difficult situations, it’s wise to prepare for the difficult times even before they come.
After asking if they want children and their desired number, proceed to ask what they’ll do if you find it hard to get pregnant after marriage.
The struggle to get pregnant after marriage is traumatizing on its own.
You don’t want to add a conflict of interest about other options like adoption, surrogacy, and IVF.
And that’s why both of you need to talk about it before marriage.
Agree on what works for you jointly to avoid experiencing more marital friction than you should due to one challenge.
It’ll help you face the challenge as a team, instead of turning on each other as a result of conflict of interests.
7. What are your parenting expectations?
With the question of childbearing out of the way, the next question you should ask is their expectations for parenting and child care.
Let them tell you their plans for raising the children.
Do they have any gender-based expectations in mind?
For instance, a man should take full care of the finances while a woman should do all the physical work when it comes to the children.
Do they expect women to stay at home and take care of the children and home?
Are they of the opinion that the couple should both work and contribute to taking care of and raising the children together?
A better way to know their expectations is to find out how they were raised.
Although people may or may not like certain aspects of their upbringing, the way they were raised contributes a great deal to how their perception is formed.
8. What’s your style of communication?
We’re always quick to talk about how communication is key to the success of every relationship.
But have you ever thought of finding out your partner’s style of communication?
Just like love languages, communication styles differ, and you may not have the same as your partner.
In this case, it’s safe to say that expecting them to communicate in the same way as you will only lead to disaster.
So, it’s important that you talk about your communication styles.
Do they prefer texting or writing to talking whenever there’s an issue that needs to be sorted?
Do you like to think things over before you react?
Do they react in the heat of the moment, regret their actions, and apologize later?
Find out how both of you prefer to communicate, and you’ll have less problems to deal with regarding communication.
9. How much alone time is enough for you?
Everyone needs alone time from time to time.
But you shouldn’t expect everyone to need the same amount of alone time as you.
One of the questions you should ask your intending spouse is the amount of alone time they usually need.
If you don’t find out, you might assume that they’re angry or withdrawn from you whenever they need time to themselves.
So, to avoid confusion in the future about it, acknowledge the fact that you both need alone time.
Then, talk about how much alone time you need individually.
10. Do you have any fears?
It’s not out of place to ask your intending spouse if they have any fears.
It can be the key to seeing them in a solemn way, which is different from the personality you’re used to.
Marriage requires understanding, and it’s not only about dreams, hopes, and future ambitions.
It also involves having a deep understanding of each other’s fears and struggles.
When you learn each other’s fears and are able to embrace and deal with them together, you’ve conquered one of the worst storms any marriage can face.
11. What are your religious and spiritual beliefs?
As simple as it sounds, the topic of religious and spiritual beliefs can make a relationship end abruptly if the people involved are not on the same page.
That’s why it’s important to ask questions about it before getting married.
You need to understand and accept each other’s religious and spiritual beliefs if you have varying beliefs.
If you have the same religious and spiritual beliefs as your intending spouse, beautiful.
You’re already on a soft landing about what will work in your home and the religious foundation you’ll introduce to your children.
Otherwise, discuss extensively and make sure you both are on the same page before moving on from the topic.
12. What are your sexual expectations?
Different people have different opinions on how often they should have sex in marriage.
It’s important that you talk about sexual expectations with your intending spouse.
Factor in their sexual fantasies, too, and see if you can handle those.
Both of you should understand that there are times when you have sexual intimacy regularly in marriage, and there are times when you are just going to get by.
You need to understand that the absence of frequent sexual intimacy in dry times doesn’t translate to a lack of love and attraction for each other.
There are other ways to be intimate with your spouse aside from sex.
Talk about these ways and decide to explore them in marriage.
Not only will it help to reduce sexual tension during the dry times, it’ll also help spice up things in your bedroom when you get married.