One of the most recurring pieces of advice my husband and I got from older married couples when we were about to get married was to be wary of resentment and avoid letting it sneak into our marriage.
In fact, it seemed to be more than just a coincidence that more than three people had talked to us about the dangers of resentment in marriage.
From our interactions and the personal experiences they shared with us, I learned that if resentment finds its way in and is left unchecked for long, it could signal the beginning of the end of the marriage.
Fights, disagreements, and arguments will definitely come, but what makes the difference is how the couple handles them.
Let’s define resentment first.
It is the feeling of anger or bitterness towards someone or something that has caused harm or unfair treatment.
In a marriage, it can stem from unmet expectations, a lack of communication, and unresolved issues.
Resentment builds up over time, often without the couple even realizing it until it’s too late.
Resentment doesn’t just happen.
It’s caused by a series of unresolved issues in a marriage.
Some of these issues were probably just swept under the carpet and no positive actions were taken for the ones that were talked about.
Consequently, the aggrieved party cannot heal, move on, and be happy with their spouse.
They’ll harbor these ill feelings inside, and if care is not taken, these feelings will pile up to a point of overflow and start looking for an outlet.
And that’s how resentment comes about in the marriage.
In this article, we’ll be looking at the signs your marriage is filled with resentment.
Note that resentment doesn’t select gender; either the husband or wife, or both of them, can feel resentful towards each other.
We kept that in mind when putting this piece together.
Keep reading to learn what resentment looks like so that you can either resolve it or avoid it completely if it hasn’t entered your marriage.
8 Signs Your Marriage Is Filled With Resentment
1. Being angry whenever you’re with your spouse
It’s one thing for your spouse to get you angry, and it’s another for their mere presence to ignite a fire within you.
Feeling angry or frustrated whenever one is in one’s spouse’s company indicates that all is not well in the marriage.
It’s probably resentment at play.
Let’s just say that this person can’t seem to stand being around their spouse.
They feel burdened by their spouse’s presence and only loosen up and seem to breathe better when they’re nowhere near them.
How did things degenerate to this point in the marriage?
Your partner is meant to be your safe haven, one of your happy places, your companion, and your friend.
You should be happy whenever you see them and always want to spend any free time you have with them.
However, if you keep having hostile feelings such as frustration and anger whenever you think of them or you’re with them, your marriage might have a lot of resentment in it.
2. Prioritising other people over your spouse
There’s a man who owns a shop around the hair salon that I patronize.
He’s usually cheerful and playful, but on this day, he seemed distant and lost in thought.
He responded to my greeting with a slight nod, although I didn’t think much about it because we all have our burdens and struggles.
It was while in the hair salon that I got to hear part of his story.
It turned out that his wife had been talking to everyone else but him about her problems, needs, and concerns.
I think that the straw that broke the camel’s back for him was when he was counting some money in front of his shop and a young man who he wasn’t too familiar with walked up to him and asked if he really had that kind of money to spare while his wife was actively looking for money to solve a problem.
The man was totally unaware that his wife had such a need despite them waking up and retiring to the same house every day.
At the revelation, he was short on words, and upon further inquiry, he admitted to not knowing the last time he confided in his wife.
They lived more like roommates, making her prioritize others over him.
This scenario is a typical example of what resentment can do to a marriage.
Your partner is meant to be your companion in every sense of the word—your first go-to person for everything and your confidant.
They should be your first port of call for comfort, support, and fun.
But when you no longer see the need to put them first and instead turn to other people, it’s one sign that your marriage is filled with resentment.
3. Comparing your spouse to other people
Comparison is a silent killer that gradually eats away at the very essence of any relationship whenever it’s given a chance to come in.
One of the signs your marriage is filled with resentment is that you start comparing your spouse to other people.
There are certain characteristics an individual may want their spouse to work on or change, but their spouse couldn’t care less.
Refusal or resistance to positive change can make such a person harbor resentment for their spouse.
The person will start comparing their spouse to others who seem to have what they want, and the partner will yearn to emulate them.
Sometimes, too, this individual will feel jealousy toward the partners of these people who possess the qualities they so desperately want their spouse to have.
They may even wish to swap places with them, forgetting that no one is perfect and these people may have some other characteristics that they won’t tolerate.
When comparing one’s spouse to other people and imagining how it’ll feel to be someone else’s partner enters the mix, it shows that something is wrong in the marriage.
4. Not letting go of the past mistakes of your spouse
Some people tend to hold on tightly to their spouses’ past mistakes, refusing to let them go completely.
It’s not unusual for them to repeatedly bring up these old, resolved issues during new arguments or disagreements, even when they are entirely unrelated to the matter at hand.
This repetitive cycle can create frustration and hurt, preventing both partners from moving forward and healing from past conflicts.
This behavior is often rooted in unresolved anger and deep-seated bitterness towards their spouses.
They may feel betrayed, disappointed, or hurt by past events, and these emotions linger, clouding their ability to forgive and move on.
In many cases, the resentment becomes so overwhelming that it blinds them to the present.
They struggle to focus on the current problem or work towards a resolution because they are still carrying the weight of previous wrongdoings.
Ultimately, this refusal to let go of the past can create a toxic dynamic, making it difficult for both individuals to cultivate trust and understanding in their relationship.
5. Silent treatment
Silent treatment is a loud sign of resentment in a relationship.
It’s a rather unhealthy way of communicating unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and displeasure over the way your partner does things.
Other times, though, some malicious people don’t need their partner to do anything wrong.
They just use the silent treatment as a tool to unsettle their spouse whenever they see that they are happy.
It’ll only take someone who resents you to not want to see you happy.
In line with feeling angry and frustrated around your partner in point 1, some people can use the silent treatment to avoid their partner, who causes them anger and frustration whenever they are around.
6. Not being attracted to your spouse anymore
If you’re no longer attracted to your spouse, it could be a sign that you resent them.
You’ve carried so much anger and resentment for them for so long that you cannot take any more into you.
The negative feelings that have accumulated inside you are looking for an outlet, and they’re manifesting in different ways, one of which is losing the attraction you feel for your spouse.
All of a sudden, your spouse begins to disgust you, and any physical contact with them makes your skin crawl.
At this rate, I’m assuming that sexual intimacy will be off the books and might be history in the marriage.
7. Painting your partner bad to others
Portraying your partner in a bad light to other people and never having any good reports about them is one of the signs your marriage is filled with resentment.
For instance, you can make derogatory jokes about them whenever you’re in the company of other people, talk down on them, and openly talk about their weaknesses and flaws when you’re obviously not alone together.
Such an attitude shows that you feel an underlying resentment toward them.
It makes you want to put them down and make them feel bad and less of themselves at every given opportunity.
8. Intentionally doing things to annoy your spouse
One thing about resentment is that it’ll make you feel that your spouse is not deserving of peace, happiness, or any good thing.
There’s something in you that doesn’t want to see them happy.
You derive pleasure in seeing them angry or unhappy.
So, you’ll invest intentionally in annoying them, getting on their nerves, stepping on their toes, and making them unhappy and angry.
For instance, when you see that they’re trying to concentrate and get some work done, that’s when you turn up the music volume to the loudest.
You can thwart their efforts at keeping the house tidy by intentionally scattering things everywhere, especially if they’re neat freaks.
Being financially irresponsible can also make them unhappy, as no one wants a partner who can’t be accountable, save money, and be financially responsible.