“What Are We?” – The Big Question
You’re hanging out with someone every week, and you like how you feel after each hangout.
What’s not to like?
They’re cute, and your conversations flow naturally.
You love the occasional deep look in the eyes.
You can already see yourself hanging out more often and spending more time with them.
Some weeks have passed, and you are still hanging out and going on dates.
No one has talked about defining the relationship, but deep down in you, you feel it’s time to put a name to what you two have been doing all the while, and you feel somewhat scared.
“What if this is one of those dates or flings for him?”
“What if she’s just interested in being taken to places and not me?”
Then, as if there was a prior discussion, your partner looks into your eyes one evening and pops the question.
“Am I your girlfriend?” or “Am I your boyfriend?”
“Will you regard and describe me as your significant other?”
“What are we?”
What Does It Mean To Make A Relationship Official?
I have to tell you this.
If you feel it’s time to put a name to what you’ve been doing all the while, you should honor that feeling.
This is because, as intimidating as these questions sound, they can help you avoid guessing and being in a relationship limbo.
They can help you draw the line between casual fling or dating and being in a committed relationship.
So, what does it mean to make a relationship official?
Making a relationship official can mean different things to different people.
This is because we are all different and unique individuals who have come from diverse and unique backgrounds and with different and unique experiences.
For some people, going official usually involves calling someone your boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner.
While for some other people, going official means you’re ready to introduce the person you’re dating to your inner circle of close friends, family, and co-workers as your significant other.
It means reaching a mutual and conscious agreement on exclusivity and monogamy for another set of people.
And that you start seeing your partner regularly and become highly involved in each other’s lives.
However, generally speaking, “going official” is when you consciously choose to be in a committed relationship with someone else.
Until the point of making this conscious decision, you may have been casually talking, going on dates — or not!
Regardless of what you’ve been doing with each other, going official means taking a new step forward in your relationship.
Making your relationship official with someone you’ve been dating means you’ve had a conversation to define your relationship and give it a name or a label.
When you decide to make the relationship you share with someone official, it is essential to be honest about your desires, expectations, and boundaries.
It is also important to ask the right questions.
To me, being honest about your desires, expectations, and boundaries, and asking the right questions form the basis of defining a relationship.
This is because they help you to communicate clearly from the start and also help you to know if you are on the same page with your partner,
And if your partner is willing to go on the journey of building a relationship with you.
Perhaps you’ve been itching to define things from your first date, but you’re unsure where your partner stands.
Or the person you’re seeing has been giving subtle hints about wanting to make your relationship official, but you don’t know if you’re ready and how best to do it.
Whatever stage you’re at, here are some things you need to consider before making the relationship you share with your partner official.
5 Things To Consider Before Making The Relationship Official
1. Are you actually ready to be committed to your partner?
Ideally, a relationship requires a lot of work and commitment.
Show me a good and blossoming relationship, and I’ll show a relationship where the two persons involved are committed to each other.
This is, perhaps, the most important thing to consider when deciding to make a relationship official.
You need to be sure that your partner is ready to be committed to you as much as you are to them.
2. Do you have/share similar values?
First of all, what are your values?
What beliefs do you hold dear to your heart, and what makes those beliefs so special to you?
Does your partner have values?
Do their values align with yours?
Are there areas of overlap?
How does it feel to have to compromise or meet each other at the center concerning one or two differing values?
These are some of the things you need to consider and discuss on your journey to making your relationship official.
Most importantly, this is where many singles or dating partners get it wrong because they don’t consider their values and beliefs.
Worst of all, some haven’t even taken time to reflect and know their values.
But because of the deep need to be with someone, they mindlessly get involved in a relationship and decide to “go with the flow” or “See how it goes.”
Know yourself and your values first, and then see if your values align with your proposed partner’s.
3. Are you emotionally ready?
We can deny it all we want, but deciding to make a relationship official means being emotionally invested in your partner.
A romantic relationship affects every area of our lives, particularly our mental and emotional health.
You need to be able to remain strong and, at the same time, offer your shoulders to your partner when they cry.
Your partner’s emotions affect you, and it can involve a whole lot, a lot more than you can imagine.
I once read a book, The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho, and something he wrote about making a decision struck me.
He wrote,
“Making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision.”
The moment you decide to make your relationship official, you may not know it then, but you are also making a decision to be emotionally invested in your partner.
The question is, “Are you ready? Is your partner ready?”
4. How do you feel about calling them your partner/girlfriend/boyfriend?
How do you feel when introducing them as your boyfriend or girlfriend?
Do you feel proud?
Do you feel happy?
Do you feel ashamed?
Does calling them your boyfriend make you feel uncomfortable and little?
These questions may sound silly and insignificant, and yes, feelings can be deceptive, too.
However, feelings point to one, two, or more things going on in our hearts that we aren’t even aware of.
I once met a lady in a salon who came to get her hair done.
I didn’t know it at first, but the next day was her wedding day, and while she was getting her hair done, a short man I didn’t recognize walked into the salon and tapped her shoulder.
She sprang up, went outside, and spoke for some minutes with the man.
Then she came into the salon and mentioned he was her husband who would marry her the next day.
Her face showed no excitement, and she let out a deep sigh.
I immediately knew she wasn’t happy then and wouldn’t be happy with that man.
Pay attention to how you feel when you think of him/her as your boyfriend or girlfriend.
It may be a pointer to an underlying issue you are yet to consider and discuss.
5. Are you willing to put up with their flaws? To what extent?
Notice I didn’t ask if they had flaws and what those flaws were.
This is because we all have flaws.
We have our unique strengths and our weaknesses.
It’s easy to get blinded during the honeymoon phase, but then, after the honeymoon phase comes reality.
We can’t hide our faults forever, and if there’s anyone who would be the direct recipient of the consequences of your partner’s faults and weaknesses, it’s you.
It pays to genuinely and objectively list and reflect on your partner’s faults and qualities because it will help you make an informed choice about making your relationship official.
Are there any red flags you’ve noticed — like immaturity, controlling behavior, promiscuity, or disrespect?
Are those faults relationship deal breakers for you, or can they be worked on?
Is your partner even willing to admit these faults and weaknesses and work on them?
How long and to what extent are you willing to put up with these faults and weaknesses?
Again, it is common at the stage of a relationship to hear statements like,
“He’s so perfect. I can’t even think of any fault he has that I don’t like.”
“She’s every man’s dream, and she’s so perfect the way she is.”
Listen, no one is perfect, frankly speaking.
If you can’t think of anything you don’t like about your partner, you should think of giving it some more time and getting to know each other well enough to make an informed choice.
Final Thoughts
Getting involved in a relationship and deciding to make it official, whatever that means to you, isn’t just about putting a label on it.
It’s a big deal.
Therefore, you must take the time and decide what going official means to you, talk some more, and consider some of these points to be well-guided in your choices.