I recently went to visit my elderly friend, who is also a Professor, and walked in on her discussing toxic relationships with some of her mentees.
She asked me to join in the discussion, as the topic is all-encompassing.
Somehow, we got talking about the things that keep people in toxic relationships.
A mentee who was speaking from experience said that such people have usually been brainwashed with so many lies, which makes them remain in such relationships.
It intrigued me, and I researched further to learn the lies that can keep people hooked on toxic love.
In this article, I’ll be sharing the things I picked from that discussion.
Let’s dive in.
12 Lies That Keep You Hooked On A Toxic Love
1. “Remain in your relationship and make it work no matter what.”
A toxic person will tell you that starting all over in a new relationship is a waste of time, energy, and resources.
In their opinion, the best thing to do is to stay in your relationship and make it work despite all odds.
Starting over doesn’t mean that it’ll still work.
True.
But at least you left a toxic relationship.
Fighting for your partner is good, but know when to throw in the towel and walk away for your sanity and peace of mind.
2. “I’m the only one who can show you love how you want it.”
A toxic person will tell you that it’s only them that can speak your love language.
They’ll love bomb you.
This person is mirroring everything you say that you love and is letting you see that they’re doing all of them.
They’re showering you with love, affection, attention and care.
They’re too good to be true, and that’s because they are actually not real.
Their intent is to use love bombing as a tactic to hold you back in a toxic relationship.
If you sense what they’re on to and stop responding to them in the way they want, they’ll change in a flash to the meanest person ever.
If you’re not careful, you’ll start believing that they’re actually good people and you brought out the worst part of them.
3. “It rains everywhere.”
This is an age-old statement that has been keeping people in toxic love situations.
It simply means that whatever you’re experiencing in your relationship is not new.
Someone else has experienced it in their relationship, too.
But that’s not true.
Whatever you accept is what’s going to happen in your life.
If you accept good love, you’ll experience a loving, healthy, and successful relationship.
But if you accept toxic love even in the slightest form, you’ll be hooked, and if care is not taken, it’ll become your reality and new normal soon enough.
4. “Fights happen and are normal in every relationship.”
Toxic people will tell you that people in a healthy relationship fight from time to time.
To them, fighting is a way of showing that the individuals in a relationship are real.
How wrong they are!
I’ve seen couples who come out to say that they’ve never fought ever since they became a couple, yet they’re still together and waxing strong.
The first time I saw a couple like this was at a ‘Singles and Married’ conference where the woman was a guest speaker.
While speaking, she casually mentioned that she had never fought with her spouse over anything.
During the Q&A session, someone asked how that was possible, and she said something that has never left me since then.
When you understand your partner well enough and are committed to making your relationship work, you wouldn’t want to do anything to stress any party in the relationship.
It’s true that every healthy relationship goes through ups and downs.
There will be clashes of interests from time to time, but with understanding, you will know how to reach a compromise peacefully without going down the war path.
But when it comes to toxic love?
For people who are in such relationships, fighting actually means throwing fists, saying hurtful and despicable words, and abusing each other in ways that are more than just physical: emotional, financial, mental, and psychological.
5. “No one will accept and tolerate your flaws like I do.”
If you’re familiar with abusers and narcissists, you’ll agree that the statement above is their usual anthem.
They tell you that to make you believe they’re doing you a favour by being with you.
You’ll believe that they’re tolerating and managing you despite having better options.
They want you to believe they’re only helping you by being with you.
But that’s not true.
No one is perfect, and you know yourself better than anyone else does.
You know that although you’re flawed, you still have your strong points.
You’re still beautiful, smart, kind, intelligent, optimistic, and every other good thing in between.
All of that is valid, and if you decide to leave that toxic love today and find a better alternative right away, you have all it takes.
6. “We’re meant for each other because our flaws match.”
This is another lie that is used to keep you hooked on toxic love.
First of all, there’s nothing like having matching flaws.
Everyone is unique in their own way and handles things differently from others.
Apart from that, couples are meant to complement each other, and for that to happen, they should match strength for weakness.
For instance, if one person is used to giving orders or being in a place of power where they dish out instructions and people carry them out, the other person should have the organisational ability to take initiative and turn their partner’s ideas into reality.
If one person is used to being the provider, the other should be invested in preserving resources and not wasting them.
So, drop that lie like a hot coal whenever someone wants to use it on you.
7. “You turned me into this monster.”
“It’s all your fault. You always bring the monster out of me!”
Here comes the blame game and guilt tripping.
It’s the aftermath of the love bombing that we discussed in point 2 above.
Once you stop responding to them in the way they want, they’ll stop being sweet, affectionate and loving towards you.
Their true selves will emerge, and they’ll start acting mean and trying to punish you in every way they possibly can for resisting being their puppet.
The worst part is that they won’t own up to their bad behaviour.
They’ll still want to blame their actions on you.
They’ll want you to believe that the sweet and loving part you saw in the beginning was their true self.
You made them become the mean personality that you’re seeing and experiencing now.
However, that’s very far from the truth.
They’ve always been the monster you’re seeing, and they were just masking their true self to draw you in and make you get comfortable with them before showing their fangs.
8. “Talking about our issues and misbehaviors will make us fight.”
One of the lies that keeps you hooked on toxic love is that talking about issues or misbehaviours when they arise will lead to fights between you and your partner.
The toxic one will suggest that you both gloss over issues and misbehaviours whenever they arise in your relationship.
You might think that they have your best interest at heart.
Of course, they’ll cite avoiding fights with you as their reason for saying such.
Awwwww!
Such sweet deception!
Whatever you permit will keep happening.
If you’ve read up to this point, you’d have figured out whether you’re hooked on toxic love or not.
If you are, you’ll notice that most of the issues and misbehaviors in your relationship come from your toxic partner.
One reason they’ll want to gloss things over and sweep issues under the carpet is to enable them to keep repeating those same mistakes and hurting you continuously.
With time, if you’re not self-aware, you’ll start losing sight of what’s healthy for you in your relationship.
You’ll come to accept the way they treat you as normal, and by then, they’ll be comfortable enough to deal with you any way they want.
9. “Making this relationship work should not be one-sided.”
Of course, a toxic person will put on all kinds of acts to show that they’re perfect and are giving their all in the relationship.
They seize every opportunity to make it look like the other person is the problem in the relationship.
Whenever they sense that the other person is trying to leave the relationship, they quickly come up with the above statement.
It’ll make you remain in such a relationship longer than you should have.
They make you believe that they’re making an effort to make the relationship work, so you feel that you have to contribute your quota by reciprocating.
The relationship will still end anyway when you’ve done your part and the relationship is still not making any headway.
10. “One form of abuse is worse than the other.”
Another lie that gets you hooked on toxic love is that one form of abuse is worse than the other.
For instance, some people believe that physical abuse is worse than financial or emotional abuse.
That’s why they hear someone complain about the abuse they’re going through in the hands of their partner, and they go, “Once your partner is not hitting you, it’s better for you to stay and endure.”
What these types of people do not realise is that every other form of abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.
The only difference is that there are no physical scars.
11. “But I’ve also been good to you.”
Having taspirit of gratitude is good, but in cases slikethis, it wcan workagainst its bearer.
Stay with me.
Nobody is either good or bad totally, and that’s what a toxic person will leverage on.
They’ll often treat their partners badly and throw in a bit of good here and there.
The idea is to make the partner focus on the good deed as a reason to keep holding on to such a relationship.
Let’s say that the partner wants to leave the relationship.
All the toxic partner has to do is to bring up their good deeds.
In their defense, although they’ve wronged their partner, they’ve also been good to them at some point.
When the partner thinks about it, they’ll focus on the good as evidence that they are being treated well in the relationship.
They’ll be grateful for the good and stay back to make the relationship work.
12. “I can’t live without you.”
This is one of the lies that gets you hooked on toxic love, and it applies mostly to people with high levels of empathy.
Empaths are natural givers and fixers.
When they fall in love with a narcissist, the relationship is bound to be toxic because all the narcissist knows how to do is take.
The empath will be too focused on giving and fixing their partner to even acknowledge the fact that they are suffering in the relationship.
The narcissist doesn’t fail to acknowledge the role of the empath in their life, and even though they’re being honest, it’s a means to an end for them.
The idea is to hold it over the head of the empath whenever they’re emotionally exhausted and want to check out of the relationship.
All the narcissist has to do is remind them of how they (the narcissist) can’t live without them (the empath).
As expected, the empath with the saviour mentality will run back to the relationship to at least save the narcissist.