Let’s face it, sometimes being honest with yourself takes courage.
A lot of it.
Because, like they say, ignorance is bliss.
What you don’t know can’t kill you, can it?
Or in this case, what you know but don’t admit.
Sometimes people want the illusion of happiness or stability more than the reality, and I can’t really blame them.
But the truth is that ignorance isn’t really bliss; it’s just postponing the evil day.
If you suspect that you’ve been fooling yourself in your marriage, then I’ll be kind enough to tell you that it’s best if you confirm early.
It may not necessarily mean your marriage is over or that you’re doing something wrong.
It just means that something is very wrong and you need to get to the root of it.
But you can only do that if you are aware in the first place.
So let us find out, shall we?
8 Signs You Are Fooling Yourself In A Marriage
1. You’re always making excuses for your partner
Making excuses for your partner in your marriage is not in itself a red flag.
There are times when it’s necessary, required, and even healthy.
For instance, if on a random Tuesday afternoon, you’re calling your husband but he’s not taking his calls and you know that it’s not in his nature to do that.
You might choose to make excuses for him.
“Maybe he’s busy at work.”
“Perhaps his phone is on silence.”
“He is probably driving.”
And then he calls back some minutes later “Hey babe, I’m so sorry I missed your calls. I’ve been drowning in so much work, I didn’t hear my phone ring.”
This is a normal scenario.
We’ll all be required to make excuses for the people in our lives at some point or the other.
But when it becomes a constant, it’s far from normal.
“He’s just tired.” “She’s under a lot of stress.”
Everytime?
Nope.
While occasional empathy is good, constant rationalizing of poor treatment or emotional neglect is a form of self-deception.
I hate to be breaking it to you but you just might be fooling yourself.
It gets worse when you begin making excuses for them at your expense.
You dismiss your needs and create reasons why they can’t be there for you.
Saying things like “I’m just being too sensitive,” or “I don’t need that to be happy,” when you clearly do, is just you silencing your valid pain and unmet needs.
And if I haven’t made it clear enough already, you’re very likely fooling yourself.
2. You constantly feel lonely
Being married is supposed to be one of the cures to loneliness because when you get married, you get a companion for life.
You can now share your thoughts, fears, ideas, happy and sad moments.
It’s the best thing.
But unfortunately, that’s not always the case with everyone.
You may find yourself in a situation where you’re married but still lonely.
Either because your partner is never present or because they’re there physically but absent emotionally – which is even worse.
I mean, there’s no reason why a married person should be lonely.
My husband and I were in a long distance relationship for a few months but never for once did either of us feel lonely because we were always communicating round the clock.
The only thing missing was physical touch but we made sure to make up in other ways; quality communication and time.
We knew more about each other’s business than people who were with us physically.
That’s the normal thing to do.
Being lonely in a marriage is one of the clearest signs that something is off.
3. Escapism is the order of the day
Wherever there’s shadiness and dishonesty, a problem exists or is likely to arise soon.
The last place you need dishonesty is in a marriage.
You don’t want to be the one caught deliberately leaving out an important detail to your spouse by being superficial.
You can’t say you won’t have conversations because they are difficult or you won’t feel comfortable about it.
You might be trying to dwell in your fantasy of marriage being a bed of roses, but it still very much has thorns that add to its nature.
If you and your partner always avoid deep talks about your lives, feelings, of needs, there’s something to pay attention to.
No marriage can survive without partners having honest conversations, even difficult ones sometimes.
4. You’re constantly waiting for better
Tough times happen to everyone, married or not.
But what makes life worth living is the hope that things will get better and experiencing happy moments.
Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured, so there’s an issue if you’re always waiting for things to get better all the time.
I mean, it’s okay if it’s a phase, but repeatedly?
Believing that every recurring conflict, cold spell, or emotional distance is temporary, even when it’s been happening for years, is a red flag.
You can’t keep hoping that things will get better eventually when there’s no progress or effort from your partner, and possibly, you.
Being hopeful in life is important and wonderful, but it is a dangerous mindset if there’s no concrete effort to actually improve in the areas where you’re lacking.
5. It’s always superficial
You know things are not solid and rooted between you two when you’re both always focused on surface-level things.
It’s always about a nice house, vacations, photos on social media, or even regular sex.
There’s no form of deep connection beyond the physical exchange of gifts between you two.
These things are nice, but none of them alone indicate a healthy marriage.
If that’s all you both think about and celebrate all the time, there’s a chance that there’s some serious self-deception there.
6. You believe that all marriages are bad
I never feel the need to correct people who always say things like “All men are this, all women are that, and marriage is this and that.”
People who always have something negative to say about relationships and marriage.
The reason is that most of the time, such people are just projecting.
They’re experiencing terrible things or have seen too many terrible situations that they’re not traumatized and interpret life through the faulty lens of their trauma.
The funny thing about this reality is that the social media algorithm will only bring those faulty stories of marriage to them.
They, in turn, accept this as a universal truth on what a marriage constitutes.
Normalizing dysfunction because you fear confrontation or loneliness is a sign that you’re not in a good place.
Not all marriages are cold, controlling, or resentful.
Mindsets like that keep people stuck.
7. You are delusional
I humorously like to say “Being delulu is the solulu…” and what that means is that being delusional is the only way out to some of the challenges in life.
But I only say that when I’m trying to escape little hitches in life and not major life issues.
Constantly living in delusion in your marriage is a sign that you need to wake up.
Everything is screaming red flag, but you always find a way to shove it aside and bring out a silver lining that doesn’t exist.
And it may not always be that you have a chaotic marriage; sometimes things may even seem calm and all, but in reality, it’s far from that.
You tell yourself, “We don’t fight, so everything is fine,” but the truth may be a huge gap between you two or even worse, prolonged infidelity.
Silence isn’t always serenity; sometimes it is a form of emotional distance or repression.
8. Your loved ones are talking
Getting feedback from people is great; you just need to know which to pay attention to and which to discard.
Sometimes there’s wisdom in listening to what the people around you are saying, especially if they’re loved ones who have your best interests at heart.
You may not notice the deception you’re in because you’re in the middle of it, but people who are on the outside may see it all very clearly.
This happens a lot with people with abusive and manipulative partners.
The abused partner may not see that they’re being taken advantage of, but their friends and loved ones may see it clearly.
So it’s very possible for third parties to notice the red flag in your marriage before you do.
If trusted people express concern or even just go quiet around the topic of your marriage, it might be worth examining what’s being denied.
If you’re being fooled in your marriage, although tough situation, it’s better for you to be aware early so you can gently wake up from the slumber of self-denial and find help immediately.
It doesn’t always mean your marriage has to end; it may just mean that you and your partner need to sit down and have serious conversations and get professional help from marriage counsellors.