I used to argue with people who say, “Love is not enough in marriage,” and I had my reasons.
My reason was the fact that my definition of love was beyond feelings; it encapsulated so much more.
So when I hear them say things like “Love is not enough; you need patience and kindness,…” my argument is always that all these other things are a part of real love.
But I’ve grown, gotten more experience, and learned that different people have different definitions of love.
So, to avoid every doubt, it’s better that everything is properly spelled out and explained.
Also, to be honest, there are other things that marriage requires which may not have much to do with love but are still super important.
Believe me, even if a couple is madly in love, the marriage is likely to nose-dive and eventually bite the dust if these things are not in place.
12 Things That Matter More Than Love In A Marriage
1. Agreement
Two people cannot walk together unless they agree on the direction they are heading.
Personally, I believe that this is one major reason for the hike in the divorce rates today.
Two people meet, fall in love, push their differences aside, and get married.
At first, the feelings are so deep and intoxicating that nothing else matters.
But after some time, the differences begin to cause some feathers to ruffle.
All of a sudden, love is not enough to cover up the fact that he doesn’t believe in God, and you do.
Or the fact that you’re ambitious and want to travel the world, but she doesn’t; she just wants to earn little money and live in a small country house.
Love alone cannot compensate for a lack of alignment in life’s big decisions, such as faith, family planning, career ambitions, lifestyle, and personal values.
When two people have completely different visions for their lives, love will not hold them together.
I’ve seen from experience that couples who align on core beliefs tend to have a stronger, more unified relationship.
Beyond love, they are on the same page and this even helps strengthen their physical and emotional closeness in the marriage.
2. Kindness and friendship
More than loving each other, couples are meant to like each other.
A marriage thrives when both partners genuinely enjoy each other’s company, laugh together, and feel like best friends.
Plus, when you like someone, you’re kind to them.
I personally think that the concept of being friends with the person you get married to is so underrated.
Because on the days when love and romance don’t seem to be at their highest, friendship with each other is all you fall back to.
You won’t feel butterflies or chemistry everyday, but everyday, you have to be together, talk, live, and do normal everyday stuff.
How do you do that enjoyably without being friends?
When people have sick spouses or are going through other tough seasons like the loss of a loved one, or a job, friendship and kindness to each other is what makes the marriage stand.
In times like this, even if love is present, it is not the focus.
Something deeper and more compelling is what keeps the couple compassionate to each other.
3. Loyalty and trust
Love can exist between a couple, yet trust is absent.
It’s very possible.
I’ve seen firsthand how this can ruin a marriage and it made me see just how valuable trust and loyalty are.
Loyalty and trust bring this sense of stability and confidence to marriages.
A woman who knows that her husband respects and cherishes her and will never cheat on her will feel more at peace in a marriage than one whose husband confesses love to every day yet has questionable contacts and chats on his phone.
They claim to be in love, yet they can’t confidently leave their phones with each other and go to bed.
There’s no trust in such a marriage, and that’s because loyalty is in question.
And without trust, love becomes unstable.
4. Patience and understanding
There will be times of frustration and disappointment in marriage.
Sometimes, these moments even linger for long, and you start questioning your choice of partner.
Trust me, you’re not alone.
Happens to the best of us.
But in times like that, patience is what does the magic.
With patience and understanding, you realize that the person you marry today will not be the same every day or remain the same person for ten years.
Life will change them, and that’s okay because you will change, too.
The key to longevity in marriage is the willingness to take a chill pill when things get tough, adapt to change, and grow together rather than grow apart.
A rigid mindset that resists patience and change is more dangerous than a lack of love.
5. Forgiveness
Everything couples profess to each other won’t matter if their forgiveness is not in place.
Forgiveness is like the glue that ensures that they keep moving and stay united.
Love is super important, but this is not make belief.
It is real life, and in real life, mistakes happen.
Mistakes, humanity, flaws, and hurt, will have their love fizzle out in no time without forgiveness.
Whether it’s the little hurts or the major mistakes, forgiveness is an almost daily requirement for a lasting and healthy marriage.
And I dare say that it is one thing that matters even more than love in a marriage.
Because on a random Tuesday evening, when your spouse says a hurtful word to you, the love you feel for them will take a back seat, and your forgiveness or lack of it will determine what happens next.
The ability to forgive and extend grace is essential for a lasting marriage.
The basic truth is that every marriage will face conflict.
What matters is not how much you love each other but how well you handle disagreements.
Pride destroys marriages faster than a lack of love.
The ability to humble yourself, apologize, and truly listen to your partner is far more valuable than the intensity of love you feel.
6. Commitment
If I were to talk about commitment, I could write a whole book because it’s just such an important subject that more couples need to understand and practice.
Love can fade in certain seasons, but commitment ensures that partners stay devoted to each other regardless of challenges.
Commitment is making the conscious decision to choose each other every day regardless of how you feel.
There will be days when you don’t feel ‘in love,’ but the decision to honor your spouse, be kind to them, remain faithful, and work through challenges must be made every day, even when it’s hard—scratch that—especially when it’s hard.
People who plan to get married need to be aware that marriage is not always exciting.
Some seasons will be filled with passion, while others will be slow, routine, and even mundane.
The strength of a marriage is seen in how well a couple handles the quiet seasons when love feels like daily chores, financial planning, raising children, and just living together as partners.
People who expect daily excitement will struggle with the reality of lifelong commitment, and that’s just the truth.
In real life, true love is not always how it appears in books and movies.
It’s not about daily grand romantic gestures or fun and interesting activities, especially when things are easy.
It is about choosing to stay, serve, and support when your spouse is at their lowest, when they are unlovable, when they have nothing to offer, and when they are weak, sick, struggling, or broken.
It is in these moments that the depth of marriage is truly tested.
7. Respect
If I were to advise someone torn between choosing a loving partner and a respectful one, I’d tell them to find love with the one that respects them.
Love without respect is a cocktail you don’t want to taste.
Some people claim to love yet show the lowest regard for their spouse, and that is an unpleasant place to be in.
Couples are meant to respect each other above everyone else.
When there is respect, both partners value each other’s feelings, opinions, and boundaries.
When respect is absent in a marriage, it becomes toxic over time.
8. Proper communication
If you have been in any form of relationship, then you’ll know that love alone cannot solve problems.
You can love someone so deeply yet have many clashes with them and eventually become frustrated, especially when the two of you don’t have healthy communication platforms.
Perhaps you had beautiful and loving intentions about someone, but for some reason, you never get to communicate properly with them, and so you keep misunderstanding each other.
Your words end up betraying your intentions so much, and you feel genuinely miserable.
This happens in some marriages.
They don’t have a healthy system of communication and so while they have love within them for each other, they don’t properly communicate so they end up having lots of misunderstandings.
Clear, honest, and open communication is key to resolving conflicts and understanding each other’s needs.
9. Team spirit
A one-sided marriage will always struggle.
There’s no two ways to it.
Couples who don’t understand that they’re a team and should both put in the work and maintain a united front usually end up in places they don’t want to be, no matter how much they love each other.
People can be in love yet fall into the trap of being complacent about their relationship with their spouse.
Sometimes, it’s just the passage of time and how they’ve been together so long that one or both of them no longer put in the work like they used to.
It doesn’t mean they’ve stopped loving each other.
They might still be very much in love, but their bond will be weak because their efforts have reduced.
Any marriage that works works because both parties are working it out.
Both partners need to invest in the relationship equally.
This matters more than the love they feel for each other.
10. Maturity
The reason most parents don’t support their children dating early even when they claim to have strong feelings is simply a lack of maturity.
Love might be there, but the absence of maturity will make it a mess.
Unfortunately, lack of maturity doesn’t happen only in children, so it’s not just about age.
Many adults, even married people, are sadly not mature.
They may be in love, but their juvenility in mindset and behavior can lead to frustration, conflict, and even the breakdown of the marriage.
Maturity is not necessarily about age but about growth in wisdom, emotional intelligence, and responsibility.
Things like handling conflicts with maturity, taking responsibility for actions, and managing emotions constructively are more crucial than just feeling love.
11. Money
Before you crucify me, hear me out.
Money issues are a major cause of marital strife, so it’s wise to pay attention to them and know what makes even marriages between crazy-in-love people fall apart like a pack of cards.
Money is super important, and I’m not saying this from a materialistic or shallow point of view.
I mean this in the deepest way possible.
Love is sweet and a crucial requirement for any healthy marriage.
However, financial wisdom and transparency matter more.
Trust me, I’ve been married for a few decades, so I know a bit about this.
When trying to make a marriage work, you might love your spouse with your whole life but if your money habits and responsibility are not good, you will sabotage your marriage yourself.
12. Knowing that love is not enough
The realization that love is not enough is one criterion everyone planning to get married must have.
Beyond the love that they feel, they need to be aware that more is needed.
This is the most important realization.
Love is beautiful, but it is not self-sustaining.
It requires trust, commitment, wisdom, and daily effort to stay alive.
People who rely only on love to keep their marriage together will eventually feel disappointed.
This is why many people say things like “Marriage is a scam.”
They’re just voicing their frustrations from the fact that the version of “happily ever after” in their heads is not manifesting like they expected.
They probably expect things to automatically work smoothly because they’re in love.
But that’s not how it works.
Love is an important foundation in marriage, but it alone is not enough to sustain a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
The couples who understand this are the ones who last.